The Evolution Revolution

First Impressions: Duke Nukem Forever

A quick disclaimer before I get started; no I did not pay full price for this game; it was 10$, and no, I did not buy it thinking it would be a good game. Now that that’s out of the way, lets talk about the game, and whether it is REALLY the abomination to video gaming that I have been lead to believe.

The game starts in a bathroom with Duke, you probably could’ve guessed, standing in front of a urinal with this direction superimposed over the game screen; “Hold RT to piss”. Sure enough, a stream of what I can assume is lemonade comes streaming out of Duke’s crotch. Whelp, this sure is a fantastic way to start out a game. After Mr Nukem is done relieving himself I take a stroll around the bathroom, turning on showers and doing much more pissing, and then exit into a locker room. In the center of the room is a whiteboard with a battle plan on it, labeled “Operation Cock Block”. I’ll tell you now, the jokes I have heard in my first several hours of gameplay have not advanced farther than the standard penis joke. After drawing a crudely illustrated penis on the white board, to which the soldier standing by me referred to as “a brilliant plan”, I ran through some hallways, I punched stuff, and then I went up an elevator. This is where the first really interesting thing happens.

I am lifted into a football arena with a huge monster…uhm…alien….cyclops….thing. I pick up a rocket launcher which, to add a layer of complex, intelligent humor to the game, had 69 rockets, and begin my assault. I shoot, I dodge, I pick up more ammo, I repeat, until this thing is dead. Duke jumps on his head, pulls out a random hose that I can only assume is there to have something to pull out, and then kicks the monster’s eye through the field goa-BUT WAIT! In a Mario Bros 2 style plot twist, the whole battle was a drea..urm, I mean, a video game! Duke sits in controller in hand and two scantily clad women stand up from shining his shoes. After recovering from that staggering blow of a plot twist, I asked myself this; “Was that really that bad?”.

Sure the gunplay was stale, sure the dialog was probably written by the person who writes Gears of Wars ambient dialog after a terrible drinking binge, but does that detract from the fact that it is a fairly fun game? I say no. Now this may be because I am a connoisseur of terrible media, as I would and have willingly hours playing Earth Defense Force and watching the Super Mario Bros Super Show, but the three or four hours I have spent playing Duke Nukem Forever have been pretty damn fun! I mean, it’s not the same sort of rewarding fun as Bioshock or Mass Effect, but the sort of cheap, hilarious fun as watching Catwoman with a couple of friends. You definitely shouldn’t buy it over Skyrim or Uncharted 3, but for 10$ is a fine replacement for Earth Defense Force as the Superman IV of your game collection.

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3 thoughts on “First Impressions: Duke Nukem Forever

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