The Evolution Revolution

Middle School Stories: Mid-Evil

One day in English class, we were discussing the Medieval period and how it ended around 1500 (this was not actually very correct, as it ended in many places as early as the 1300s), and my teacher was joking about how it didn’t end at exactly 1500, with everyone just turning into civilized people. So I decided to make a story about it.

This was written my seventh grade year, around March or so 2008. At the time I was obsessed with Fire Emblem and we were studying English mythology (especially King Arthur). You can tell from this story.

By B.A. Baker
It was the year 1472. The Renaissance was coming in 28 years, and the barbarians would be defeated- the people civilized. Most people loved it, because the wars would be over. But not King Pellais. He only had 28 years until he had to become civilized! So he gathered all of his knights one day. “Wooo!” he said, meaning that he wanted to take over the Byzantine Empire before he had to be civilized and help Galileo and become Catholic or Church of England. So he sent his finest knight, Sir Orthodox, and his squire at arms, Sir Ramzy. They took a platoon and conquered England. Then France. Then Prussia. Then Holy Rome. Then Portugal. Then so many sentences started with then that the dark druid Matanong. The jungle. His shamans out to kill the platoon, but back in time after England was conquered. The shamans appeared in London where Sir Alfred was left to govern. Alfred was a good governor, but his commanding army was way less than stellar. He sent out 3 men, but they couldn’t stop getting attacked. The shamans’ attack animations were so long that by player phase, Alfred had to use his light magic and got killed because dark magic hits light sages. The rest of the men gave up. Later, Sir Vitamin got news of Sir Alfred’s downfall, and instead of marching onto France, he caused a paradox and turned, sailing to Scotland, where the shamans were gathered. Vitamin’s men were deserters and left camp to go to Libya and surf in their spinoff book trilogy. So Vitamin was alone in dangerous Scotland, with shamans coming to his camp. He took 3 5-Hour Energies and died.

27 years passed. Sir Orthodox had led his men to Luffy Island, which was right next to Istanb- er, Constantinople, the Byzantine Empire’s capital.Sadly, 4kids Entertainment censored his army, changing his voice to Ash Ketchum’s, and caused his army to to invade and instead have a friendship speech. Sir Ramzy deserted the army and took over Constantinople, calling his new kingdom “Turkey” after his favorite food. He was later overthrown and sent to Libya to be a priest, a special priest that is now known as a lifeguard. The shamans that Vitamin killed himself over actually revolted against Matanong, killing him and starting the Democratic Party. They were burned at the stake for paganism, though. It was found later that one druid escaped and changed his name to that of President Barack Obama [Remember that this was written in spring 2008, meaning he had not yet even won the nomination for the Democratic Party!] King Arthur, not pleased with Mordred’s naughtiness, grounded the scoundrel for a week, and then continued his hobby of pulling swords out of random rocks. Swamp Nuggets cameoed in this short stored, then got pummeled in the eyebrows, and a javelin stabbed his hair. Doctors barely kept him alive (dumb doctors can’t handle euphoria right!), and Swamp Nuggets had a boo-boo forever. Or at least until someone sprayed him with mace so he fell off a mountain and was hit back up, probably with a mace. Then he died. Sir Alfred’s head was morphed and put on Hitler’s face to become Dr. Phil, an espionage Israelian Ninja… in shining armor. Sir Carnage kept mostly to himself. William Harrison died shortly after becoming president, due to Sir Orthodox’s actions in his non-censored life, and it affected everyone in America. For King Pellais, however…
The clock turned midnight- it was 1500. King Pellais’s castle was turned into Spain, and King Louis/Henry/William/Generic King Name/Chris of England took his country over so that Portugal could keep spending billions of dubloons on sea exploration. It failed, and King Pellais took over the universe. The end.

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