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The Evolution Revolution

Wert_Ac vs. Andrew Hussie (A Fan Fiction Event)


“Andrew.”
“Andrew, look at me.”
“Andrew…”
Just looking at this gorgeous man made you sweat. You hated him, and you knew you had to, but something about him… Even though he had kidnapped you, you couldn’t help wonder but what it was about him that was so appealing…
“Andrew, stop ogling me. We have work to do.”
“Oh, of course.” You replied, blushing upon the realization that you had forgotten why you were kidnapped in the first place. “What was it that we were doing, again?”
“Andrew, really?” was his only answer as he turned on the power to the all-new Wii U gaming console.
They were doing what you were meant to do. Something that you had been bred for since birth, or that’s what he thought, at least. Wert_Ac had been waiting for this moment for seven years, as it turned out.
The moment where he could finally play Pikmin 3 with Andrew Hussie.

***

Andrew stood inside the doorway of his apartment. He knew he forgot something in there, but he was late for his meeting with his waifu, Mr. North. If he was over six minutes late, Ryan would shut down qwantz.com for 6 hours for every minute late he was after that point, and nobody wanted that. Oh crap he left his keys. That was an important thing.
Little did Andrew know, though, but he did not lose his keys. They were stolen with the explicit purpose of luring the young comic creator back into his home, by none other than you. Your plan was simple, and it surely succeeded, as Hussie had no special powers within this realm of reality. All you had to do was hit him over the head, bag him up, and put him in your car to head back home. This was the perfect plan.

***

Gamestop. This was a place that you knew well. After six weeks camped out in front of the store in anticipation of the launch of Pikmin 3 alongside the Wii U console, you learned the ins and outs of the entire store, though there was not much to discover because the store was so small anyway. Regardless of this, today was finally the day. It was scorching the day before, so you had stripped down to your bare self to cool down, but when it was time for the store to open to begin selling the consoles, you forgot to put your clothes back on, and the store managers refused to allow you to pay for the console and game, or even come inside the building at all. This turn of events did not concern you, as you simply ran in anyway and snatched one.
You were off. Pikmin 3 was yours. And you were naked. There was only one thing left to do, and that was to kidnap Andrew Hussie and force him to play it with you. Then you could die a happy, nude man.

***

Act 6 Act 4 was over about the same time that you published the final installment of the second season of karkatyells, your internationally-recognized web art series. It was about karkatyells, fed up with the world and its anger-causing aspects, deciding to finally end it all. Literally. He rages so hard that it causes the partpickles of the universe to be torn into pieces, destroying all matter in existence. It was hearalded by the New York Times as one of the greatest pieces of artwork in the 21st century. What they don’t know, of course, is that today also marks the day that the Pikmin 3 release date has been confirmed, and you KNOW that it will be a much greater piece of art than any karkatyells that you have ever made. Yes, that sounds ridiculous, but it is true. You can’t wait.

***

E3 2012 left you bittersweet. While Pikmin 3 was finally unvieled to the general public, and that was one of the greatest moments in all of modern history, you realized that the pure joy stemming from this had left you almost eternally happy. It was now to the point where you could no longer feel anger, jealousy, greed, or any negative emotions, but you could also no longer feel love, empathy, or any positive emotions except for joy. Joy was all that you were able to feel. You were forced to put karkatyells on hiatus for months, as you could not create any artwork with any deeper meaning anymore. There was only one way to bring your emotions back to normal, and it was by channeling all of your rage to one specific target in hopes of finally becoming angry again. The perrson you chose was none other than the murderer of a certain blue-blooded hero; the man that stole her away from you figuratively and literally, as he also married her. Andrew P. Hussie.

***

Memories flashed across your face as you finally began to play Pikmin 3 for the first time. Hussie, tied up except for his hands, was still learning the ropes of Pikmin 3, as he had not played any video games since starting Homestuck in 2009. You, on the other hand, knew every single new control from the moment that you touched the controller. Pikmin Osmosis was a psychological condition that had recently been discovered by leading researchers, finding that people who play excessive amounts of the first two Pikmin games will eventually obtain psychic abilites, being able to learn information through touch. You were the most adept of the first-generation Pikmin Osmosis patients, and found out the ending of the 7th Harry Potter book from the moment that you touched the first back in 2003. You did not realize that this was not a normal thing until yesterday, however.
Pikmin 3 was an awesome game, regardless of the way that you were trumping Hussie like an ace. There were aproximately twelve new types of Pikmin, all of which had drastic new effects on the gameplay that Hussie simply could not grasp yet, since it kind of was his first time ever playing it. Maybe if you forced him to play for about 200 hours, he would be almost as proficient as you in the Pikmin Playing Powers. Hmm…..

***

This guy was crazy. You had to beat Wert_Ac at his own game (literally at his own game); maybe then, he would let you go, and you could call the police on this naked kidnapping freak. Alas, this game proved to be much too difficult for you, and you never won a single match.
The appealing factor of Wert_Ac revealed itself to you as time went on. You started to realize why you fell for him back in the beginning of the story. No, it was not because of bad writing, but because of his Pikmin Playing Power. You finally realized that human attraction was not based on looks or personality, but on how well a person could play Pikmin. Also Stockholm Syndrome may or may not have been a factor.
Anyway, yeah you totally eventually die from starvation. Wert didn’t even realize it until a week later. He thought Hussie was just letting him win for a few matches by not playing at all. Also Wert_Ac never put on clothes. To this day, you can look far out into the stars that shine in the night sky, and think, “Wert_Ac is probably naked right now,” and probably be right, too.

Props to my bro Wert_ac, who is starting karkatyells season 2! check it out on his karkatyells tumblr, http://karkatyells.tumblr.com .  

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