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Coyote and Buffalo: A Modern Tale


We were performing plays in Literature class of the Coyote Tales, which are some Native American folk tales. I wrote an adaptation of one of them. Do not ask why. I also wrote it at midnight that night.

COYOTE AND BUFFALO: A MODERN TALE
BY BEN BAKER
[This is a light-hearted modern adaptation of the Coyote Story known as Coyote and the Buffalo, a traditional Native American folk tale, made for Ms. Allison’s Honors Lit Class, 4th Block 2nd Semester, Spring 2012.]
CHARACTERS-
NARRATOR
COYOTE
BUFFALO BULL
YOUNG BUFFALO
OLD WOMAN- Must be female
DOOR 1
DOOR 2
BARTENDER- Must be male
BAND GOTH CHICK- Must be female
BAND LEAD SINGER – Must be female
HIPSTER 1
HIPSTER 2
SOMEONE TO DRIVE A CAR
PROPS NEEDED:
-bag of herbs
-cane
-cups
-some desks
ACT 1
NARRATOR
[is located at the far stage left.]
In the scenic Downtown Swanecktoo, the frat boys and the jocks run wild and free. This was almost not the case. If Coyote had not been so foolish and greedy, we would not have to drive 15 minutes to go over to Colorado Springs to hear some decent indie bands on Saturday nights, because Swanecktoo wouldn’t be run down by these mainstream losers.
COYOTE- Enter stage right.
[COYOTE opens the DOOR to walk into the café, where BARTENDER, HIPSTER CROW, and HIPSTER MAGGIEPIE are.]
DOOR
Squuuueeeeeeeaaaaaak.
COYOTE
Ah man, someone needs to get that door fixed!
BARTENDER
It won’t squeak again, don’t worry. It was only obligated to make one noise this play.
COYOTE
Friggin’ good.
BARTENDER
So you hear about the new “King of Fighters ‘94” concert goin’ on tonight?
COYOTE
There’s a good band coming here? To Swanecktoo? You have got to be joshing me.
BARTENDER
No man, I am as serious as normal-sized jeans. They’re even coming here, to THIS café.
COYOTE
This is the only café in town; where else would they be able to perform? The Warehouse?
BARTENDER
Hahahaha! [a very forced and unenthusiastic laughter] Good one.
HIPSTER 1
Keep it down! I am watching the latest episode of Turren Toppa Gurren Langann!
HIPSTER 2
Seriously! You can’t interrupt a man’s [or woman’s] anime time!
BARTENDER
Hey, I can turn that wi-fi off too, you know. Seriously. And then you’d have to go back to pretending to be a part of Occupy Swanecktoo and mooching off of people’s smartphones to use the internet!
HIPSTER 1
Yeah yeah, I hear ya….
COYOTE
Lawls, this reminds me of that time I totally schooled that Buffalo Bull in a religious debate so bad last week. It was like I just grabbed his skull and spat on it, then threw it into the dust. The dust is a metaphor, representing me schooling him in a religious debate
[beat. Everyone is weirded out by this analogy]
BARTENDER
Uhh….Wasn’t Buffalo Bull that bully who used to beat you up every day when you kept reciting the dialogue in Paper Mario 2, word for word, all during class?
COYOTE
Yeah…. He used to call me “Kawaii Desu” while he ripped my plad shirts in half… But that’s all in the past, man.
BARTENDER
Ugh, I hate these stupid jocks, all over this friggin’ town. So why did you even get in a religious debate with him anyway?
COYOTE
Interesting question. I was just w-
[Enter BUFFALO BULL, stage right. He also opens the DOOR and enters the café.]
DOOR
Squuuuueeeeaaaaaak.
COYOTE
Augh! I thought you said he [she] wouldn’t get any more lines!
BARTENDER
What, this is [his/her] only role in the whole play. Just give [him/her] [his/her] moment in the limelight, [Mr/Ms] Protagonist!
COYOTE
Fine, sheesh.
BUFFALO BILL
[with the most jock-ish accent and tone possible]
Are you brahs done?
COYOTE
Wh….Wh…Why are you here….
BUFFALO BILL
Shut it, brosyphilis.
[COYOTE begins panicking.]
Bro, I’m gonna cream ya, bro! No bro ever says that Broddhism is not an acceptable practice for me and my bros!
[BUFFALO BULL begins bashing at COYOTE, and they run around the stage in their silly chase. Finally, Coyote jumps over the bar and stands next to BARTENDER.]
BUFFALO BULL
No fair, bro! You know my vertical leap is lacking, bro!
COYOTE
That’s what you deserve for giving a reverse swirly to me in the 7th grade!
BUFFALO BULL
Come on, bro… I just need to take some anger out on someone that I consider inferior to make myself feel better about my insecurities! …bro.
COYOTE
What?
BUFFALO BULL
Oh, it’s nothing… It’s just Young Buffalo. Ever since he joined his new band, he’s just been out of bro-touch with me. It’s like our bromance is dead…
COYOTE
Maybe you should get a brovorce.
BUFFALO BULL
No! We made bro-vows, bro! I said for bro-tter or for worse and I meant it, bro! I just wish he would bro-talk with me about this band! I am so bro-worried that he is fallin’ in with the wrong crowd…
COYOTE
Hmm, what band? Are they independent?
BUFFALO BULL
Yeah?
COYOTE
Then I know them. What band?
BUFFALO BULL
Some “King of Fighters ’94” or something, bro.
COYOTE
Hey! His band is performing tonight here at the café. We should confront him about it.
BUFFALO BULL
You’ll help me?
COYOTE
Oh yeah, I am nice like that.
END OF ACT 1

ACT 2
[BARTENDER and the HIPSTERS go offstage, stage left.]
NARRATOR
They wait for a few hours, until the band arrives.
[The band walks in, the members being YOUNG BUFFALO, BAND GOTH CHICK, and BAND LEAD SINGER. They ring the doorbell on this SECOND DOOR and then enter.]
DOOR 2
Ding dong. [said in the most boring and monotone way possible]
YOUNG BUFFALO
We are ready to sing, my brosephs!
BAND LEAD SINGER
Yes we are!
[The band begins walking around and pretending to talk and set up and stuff. COYOTE and BUFFALO BULL talk quietly]
BUFFALO BULL
Ugh… I’m so nervous! I wonder if he even notices me, bro!
COYOTE
Don’t worry. Here, take this. It’ll calm your nerves.
[COYOTE hands BUFFALO BULL a bag of something.]
BUFFALO BULL
I… am not sure this is PG-13.
COYOTE
It’s just some herbs, bro. What did you think it was, drugs? Drugs are so mainstream.
BUFFALO BULL
You are such a kawaii desu nerd.
COYOTE
Whatever. Just let me handle this.
[COYOTE walks up to YOUNG BUFFALO. In the background, BUFFALO BULL is dumping the bag out and eating the pot.]
YOUNG BUFFALO
Hello, brometheus! Ready to kiss my swag at this epic concert, bro?
COYOTE
This is from Buffalo Bull.
[punches him and knocks him out.]
BUFFALO BULL
Oh hey cool! Thanks bro!
COYOTE
Now what’s my reward?
BUFFALO BULL
Uh…. Here. Have these chicks.
COYOTE
Chicks is a demeaning and sexist term!
BUFFALO BULL.
Here. Have these one of these women.
COYOTE
Oh yeah!
[BAND GOTH CHICK walks up to COYOTE]
BAND GOTH CHICK
I’ve never dated a hipster before…
COYOTE
Forget those jocks. You need a real man; someone who can tell you the release date and Metascore of every Home Alone movie.
BAND GOTH CHICK
That sounds sexy…
COYOTE
It is.
BUFFALO BULL
Oh, I have to warn you… Be careful with her. Don’t let her go. Take good care of her, and she will supply you with meat forever
COYOTE
What???
BUFFALO BULL
Sorry, I started quoting from the actual story again. She was a cow in the source material.
COYOTE
[tries to cover hand so she can’t see, while pointing the other thumb at her]
She’s a cow now.
BAND GOTH CHICK
HEY!
COYOTE
Uhhh…. Hey let’s go outside for a walk!
BAND GOTH CHICK
Ok.
[They walk outside the café, opening that DOOR 2 again. They are now right outside the store. An OLD WOMAN walks up to them.]
OLD WOMAN
[cockney accent]
‘ello, chums. Hey sonny, [points cane to COYOTE] what a fine woman you have there. Could you help an old lady across the street?
COYOTE
Nah. I’m chilling with my new woman. Do it yourself.
OLD WOMAN
Oh… oh my… Um… Missy… Could you?
BAND GOTH CHICK
Sure.
[BAND GOTH CHICK and OLD WOMAN walk offstage, stage right. As they walk off, a CAR drives by and runs them over.]
COYOTE
Oh. Well then.
[COYOTE walks back into the café, opening that DOOR 2 again.]
BUFFALO BULL
Well, bro?
COYOTE
I need another woman. Mine died.
BUFFALO BULL
Really? You lost your woman already, bro?
COYOTE
Yeah.
BUFFALO BULL
You’re such a prick. I was almost friends with you hipster guys, but I forgot what KAWAII DESU FREAKS you are!
COYOTE
Yeah.
BUFFALO BULL
This town will forever be cursed! Swanecktoo belongs to the mainstream, AD INFINITUM!
COYOTE
Ooh, Latin. Sexy.
[BUFFALO BULL and BAND LEAD SINGER walk out of the café, opening DOOR 2 one last time. They walk offstage, stage right.]
NARRATOR
And that is why us hipsters have to drive to Colorado Springs to be involved with the counterculture scene. Because of you, you idiot. [looks at Coyote, and then walks to him and baps him on the head and walks back.]
COYOTE
Meh.

THE END.

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One thought on “Coyote and Buffalo: A Modern Tale

  1. Still love this story.

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