Backblog

The Evolution Revolution

Author Archive

MrVonAwesometon is Posting a Thing or: How I Learned to Stop Whining and Beat Some Games


Hey, MrVonAwesometon here, and due to thedude’s internet free spree, I am obligated to post things as to not starve the faithful reader(s) of content. What is this content you are almost surely not asking? Well, this content is a pathetically long list of games I have to beat!
The rules are:
1. I have to beat the games by graduation, so roughly 10 months.
2. I have to follow the list unless I get stuck for an unreasonably long amount of time in one game/other extenuating circumstances.
3. The only breaks I can take from games on the list are for new games, no replaying old ones or multiplayer other than sick co-op game nights with thedude.

So, without further adieu, the list.

1. Deus Ex: Human Revolution (Xbox 360) Sonic Generations (Xbox 360)
2. Shivering Isles (Xbox 360) Temporary skip
3. The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword
4. Ico (PS2)
5. New Super Mario Bros U/New Super Luigi U
6. Metal Gear Solid 3 (Original Version/Playstation 2)
7. Super Mario Galaxy
8. Grabbed by the Ghoulies
9. Silent Hill 2 (PS2)
10. Okami (Wii)
11. Lego City Undercover
12. Luigi’s Mansion
13. Heavy Rain
14. Metal Gear Solid (Playstation 1)
15. Brutal Legend (Xbox 360)
16. Super Mario Galaxy 2
17. Gears of War (Xbox 360)
18. Knights of the Old Republic (Xbox)
19. Kirby’s Epic Yarn
20. Space Channel 5 Special Edition (Playstation 2)
21. Trine 2 (Wii U)
22. Dead Island (Xbox 360)
23. Zone of the Enders (Playstation 2)
24. Metroid Other M (I know, right?)
25. Star Fox Assault
26. Devil May Cry 4 (Xbox 360)
27. Final Fantasy XII
28. Max Payne (Xbox)
29. Infamous
30. Final Fantasy XIII (Xbox 360)
31. Metal Gear Solid 2 (Playstation 2)
32. LittleBigPlanet (Playstation 3)
33. Mighty Switch Force (Wii U)
34. Dragon Age Origins (Playstation 3)
35. Super Metroid (Wii U Virtual Console)
36. Paper Mario The Thousand Year Door
37. Grand Theft Auto: Vice City (Playstation 2)
38. Jade Empire
39. Ratchet and Clank All 4 One
40. Resident Evil 4 (Wii)
41. Final Fantasy VI (Playstation)
42. Metroid Prime 3 Corruption
43. ZombiU

And here begins the uninhabitable wasteland known as “JRPGs that are too god damn long (Persona 4)/ I really, really want to postpone playing (Xenosaga)”.

44. Final Fantasy VIII
45. Persona 4 (Playstation 2)
46. Final Fantasy V (Playstation)
47. Xenosaga

Some of these (such as New Super Mario Bros U and Kirby’s Epic Yarn) may or may not be completed out of order due to co-op nights There are some more likely candidates for co-op like Rayman Origins and Donkey Kong Country Returns that were completely omitted due to the likelihood of them being part of co-op nights. If they are added back in then they will likely be inserted into a mundane, JRPG filled leg of the journey or used as a break game if I get stuck in a game or just plain bored of it.

Anyway, I will post semi-regular updates on this crusade that I am about to embark on. Back to killing that stupid Skrillex lookalike in Deus Ex and yelling a bunch!

UPDATE: My copy of Deus Ex broke, so I am removing it from the list unless I can secure a replacement. In it’s place I will be playing Sonic Generations for the Sega Mega Box. In addition, I am skipping Shivering Isles for reasons involving me making my character a vampire for some reason and not being able to complete any quests because vampires suck. I don’t even like vampires, why did I do that?!

Anyway, I skipped ahead to Skyward Sword and have been making considerable progress. More updates later on.

MrVonAwesometon’s Four in February Day 28: The Final Chapter


So February is coming to a close and I ACTUALLY FELL THROUGH WITH A COMMITMENT….a commitment pertaining to doing something entirely unproductive, but a commitment all the same! Ok, so here we go. 

Completed Games:

 

ImageImageImageImageImage

 

Yep, all of these games that were originally on my list, they have been beaten. Anyway, I am off to bask in my adequacy/maybe do something productive? 

Image

MrVonAwesometon’s Four in February Status: Beginning of Week 1 [UPDATE][UPDATE AGAIN]


Here is the current status on my Four in February games, which is my desperate attempt to avoid doing anything productive for 28 days.

Image

Shadow of the Colossus-PS2

Progress: Fourth colossus defeated, 12 to go

Image

Final Fantasy XII-PS2

Progress: 2 hours in, getting the Sunstone to evolve my Weepinbell.

dragonage1

Dragon Age Origins-PS3

Progress: Circle Tower, Arl of Redcliffe quest

Legend_of_Zelda_Skyward_Sword_boxart

Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword-Wii

Progress: Before the 4th dungeon, trying to get the sacred water

I was initially going to include Final Fantasy XIII instead of XII, but I found out that I am only 3 chapters from the end of the game and wanted to choose a game I had made less progress in. I may swap XIII back in if time becomes an issue.

EDIT

I took off Dragon Age Origins because

1. It would be impossible for me to balance 2 30-50 hour RPGs as well as homework.

2. The part where you are in the Fade is annoying and I don’t want to use walkthroughs or waste 5 primo Colossus killing hours finding my way through.

3. The game I am adding is amazing, much shorter, and stars a Sarah Palin hairwitch.

So, I give you my replacement FiF game…..

Bnetta360

Bayonetta-Xbox 360

Progress: Just beat Chapter IV.

Progress has been made in 2 of the other games, but I will wait until next Saturday to report my position in all 4 titles.

EDIT….too?

Ok, lets try this again.

I removed Skyward Sword from the list because

1. I only have one Wiimote

2. That Wiimote stopped working

3. I have no Wiimote with which to play the game

So, begrudgingly, I am replacing it with…

540px-Paper_mario_sticker_star_box-art

Paper Mario Sticker Star-3DS

Progress: Stage 3-11, Holey Thicket

Ok, lets see if I can get to the end of week 1 without losing another game. Final week 1 progress report tomorrow!

MrVonAwesometon’s Pictureless Slightly Past Year End Awards As He Is Writing This On a Wii U Due To Computer Troubles


Hello people! My computer is terribly worthless, so please excuse the horrific formatting of this post as the Wii U is not the most optimal writing tool. Let’s begin!

Overall Game of the Year: Dishonored

Dishonored is a very special game. It is not often that we get an original IP from a relatively unknown developer that controls perfectly, has a fantastic story, and a perfect balence of open ended and linear game design all wrapped in a fully realized steampunk setting. “Well geeze!” you might be asking “This sounds a lot like Bioshock!”. Well, that is a very keen keen comparison and one that I find myself constantly making every minute more of Dishonored that I play.

That is probably why I enjoy Dishonored so much. Very few games can capture the focused, perfectly polished setting, story, and gameplay that Irrational’s masterpiece Bioshock practically leaked from every inch of it’s beautiful world. I don’t particularly condone heavy “borrowing” of material, but if you are going to do it at least borrow from a work of art like Bioshock, not Duty Calls 8: Modern Shootstab.

And in Dishonored’s striking resemblance to Bioshock lies it’s one major flaw; holy shit, this game is a LOT like Bioshock. From the left-hand-magic-right-hand-primary-weapon combat pulled straight from Bioshock 2, to the similar late game betrayal, to the steampunk setting and linear-open-world level design, I can’t help but making constant conections between Dishonored and Bioshock 2. Not to say that they are the same game by any means, or that being as godlike as Bioshock is a bad thing, but I just felt compelled to point out the closest thing to a flaw in this fantastic game.

Long story short: Buy this game now.

Runner up: Walking Dead

Handheld Game of the Year: Paper Mario Sticker Star

A quick disclaimer; this game is NOT perfect, far from it. This is a big departure from the series’ roots (though obviously not as big as Super Paper Mario), the story is virtually non-existant, and there are no traditional RPG elements whatsoever. While this is a very flawed game, there are so many redeeming factors that you forget about the bad when you play it. The closest thing I can equate it to is watching the Hobbit.

Sure, in the case of the Hobbit, it is stretched out, awkwardly paced, and has special effects that make the real life actors look like cardboard cutouts, but just returning to Middle Earth, or the Paper Mario series, is enough to make you love it!

Despite it’s flaws, Sticker Star has my favorite soundtrack of the year, a very clever and engrossing combat/collecting mechanic, and the flatout best use of 3D seen on the hardware to date. This return to my personal favorite RPG series may not be perfect, but it sure is an enjoyable and welcome homecoming.

Runner Up: New Super Mario Bros 2

Best Downloadable Title- Trials Evolution

Trials Evolution improves on it’s predecessorin nearly every way. More realistic physics, a greater vatiety of environments, and VERY MUCH improved track building and sharing top the very long list of great things about this title. Honestly, there is only one con I can think of beside the crushing difficulty and steep learning curve that accompany the later levels; the soundtrack is the most shitty thing I have heard in my entire gaming experience. Quick remedy: turn the music option down and play the soundtrack to the very close runner up in the background.

Runner Up: Fez

Film of the Year: Looper

Great Sci-fi movies without massive budgets are perhaps my favorite part of the film industry, made evident by my neverending praise for my 2009 film of the year Moon. It makes my day when a film with a $30 million budget is leaps and bounds more entertaining than $240 million dollar films like Avatar.

Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Bruce Willis, and Emily Blunt are fantastic and the film’s setting is a distinct and very believable future. Memorable moments and novel twists penetrate every moment of the movie’s branching plots that culminate in a wonderful mindfuck of an ending that will have you making insane theories for days after warching. In otherwords; Looper is a fantastic cult clasic on par with Blade Runner and Moon.

(I have yet to see Django Unchained, though judging by the reviews and Tarantino’s previous work, it was probably a contender for this spot.)

Runner Up: Skyfall

Album of the Year: Ithaca- Bowman

Michael Guy Bowman’s sophmore album is a wonderful mix of primarily synthpop inspired tracks on par or arguably better than his previous album, Mobius Trip and Hadron Kaleido. One of the best, most original, and catchiest albums this side of They Might Be Giants.

Runner Up: One Year Older- Erik “Jit” Scheele

Most Anticipated Film: Pacific Rim

A Guillermo Del Toro film about giant mechs with GLADoS’ voice fighting massive Lovecraftian Godzilla monsters. It will be perfection.

Runner Up: (tie) Star Trek Into Darkness/Oblivion

Most Anticipated Game: Bioshock Infinite

Though the constant delays have pushed this certified masterpiece from Summer 2012 to March 26, 2013, a concrete release date is finally upon us for the quickly approaching frontrunner for GoTY 2013.

Runner Up: Pikmin 3

“Best” Film of the Year- Ghost Rider Spirit of Vengeance

An indescribably wonderful masterpiece that is Cage’s best work since National Treasure 2. Nothing more can be said about this film than pure moviegoing bliss.

Best Cinematography: Taken 2

If you like the Neesons of Liam Neeson, the camerawork of Cloverfield, and the editing of a bad Vlog, than Taken 2 is your movie! The sometimes 6 jump-cuts a second allow over 17 times the action of the standard movie, essentially tripiling the action and quality of the previous movie in the series!

My Frustration with Modern Nintendo Titles (By: MrVonAwesometon)


ImageImage

Hey, MrVonAwesometon here, for the first time in like…9 months or whatever. I have a little tale I wish to tell you youngsters, a tale about nearly all recent Nintendo games having one JARRING FLAW that makes me think twice about buying them; they have no content. 

Just look at the two most recent Mario games; Super Mario 3D Land and New Super Mario Bros 2. Lets me start off by saying that these are by no means bad games, they are fantastic titles that I enjoyed my brief time playing. They may be enjoyful games, but they are games, full retail games, games that cost 40$, that are barely longer than a movie.

I can’t help but feel a little cheated by both of these games. Most games take, as they should, at least 8 hours to finish, with some larger games taking upward of 40. Gamers are perfectly content paying 60$ for a game that yields 8 hours of gameplay and has decent replayability, even if the game wasn’t something of the same caliber as Bioshock or Ocarina of Time. We need 2 things to keep us engaged; fun and content.

Yes, the two games in question, as well as most Nintendo games, have the first aspect down to an art, but the recent trend with games by the Big N, specifically 3DS games, is the lack of the latter. Super Mario 3D Land is quite possibly the most fun, best controlling, and best looking platformer on any handheld ever, but the game is so terribly short that my first run through took less time than it took me to watch Dark Knight Rises. That’s a little under 3 hours. Nobody wants to pay 40$ for a 3 hour game. (Note: 3D Land has challenge levels that arguably add more content to the game but, as much as I liked that addition, they are essentially the same levels as before with slight additions.)

Now, this doesn’t mean that ALL first party 3DS titles are this way, Kid Icarus: Uprising is a perfect example. Kid Icarus has a 5-6 hour story, solid multiplayer, Brawl style unlockables, and a surprisingly in depth weapon creation system. Kid Icarus: Uprising is the exact same price as the 2 most recent Mario titles, but has arguably 3 times the content. 

Kid Icarus was by no means a perfect game; the controls are awkward for all and downright impossible for left handed people, the banter is annoying, and the story has several holes. Kid Icarus is flawed, but it makes up for it by being a 20-someodd hour game. Super Mario 3D Land controls perfectly, has no annoying banter, and has the best use of the 3D effect currently available on the 3DS, but I would recommend Uprising over it in a heartbeat, for the sole reason that 3D Land has no substance. 

Now, I’ve only noticed this in those 2 games as of late, though the first New Super Mario Bros had the exact same problems, but it seems that, more often than not, Nintendo has been missing out on perfection simply because they refuse to have any length or replayability to the majority of their titles.

There may be other thing that have been bogging some recent Nintendo games down, namely dumbed down difficulty, but simply adding more content could breathe life back into Nintendo’s line up. Seriously, guys, make your games an hour or two longer and give us a little bit more for our money.

MrVonAwesometon’s Favorite Games of 2011 (Last Edited January 21, 2012)


Someone aka MrVonAwesometon forgot to post this. I went ahead and did so, 4 months later.

Best Shooter

Gears of War 3

If you overlook the fact that the Gears franchise is built around nothing more than shooting and chainsawing dudes, Gears of War 3 is a surprisingly content filled shooter. The gameplay is the same cover based shooting that we have come to expect from the franchise, though little tweaks and additions such as the Hammerburst iron sights and the Retro Lancer, are just enough to keep the gameplay as explosive and hectic as the previous Gears games. There is a great plot (for the steroid pumping space marine genre at least), some fun vehicles sequences and boss fights, and just more mindless shooting and killing then I previously thought possible. With one of the strongest and most fun campaigns of the series, enhanched Horde mode with the addition of a locust counterpart called Beast mode, and a stellar online multiplayer being backed by solid DLC updates, Gears 3 is shaping up to be the most unnecessarily bloody and undeniably fun shooters in a while.

Other Picks:
Battlefield 3
Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3
Uncharted 3

Best Adventure

The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword

I have to say that it was really hard to choose between Zelda and Uncharted 3, but one thing about Skyward Sword that can make me overlook the finicky motion controls; Skyward Sword is a work of art. There are not many games that I would say that about, save Limbo, but Skyward Sword is truly deserving. Every frame of gameplay looks like a moving water color painting, Skyward Sword being undeniably the best looking Wii game save the Galaxies, not to mention a magnificent, sweeping, fully orchestrated soundtrack that rivals that of Wind Waker and even the Mother series. On the topic of gameplay, the worlds are more open than other Zelda games, though the dungeons are the same standard Zelda formula, though the added motion swordplay add a whole new demension to both boss fights and general dungeon crawling. While the motion controls are very touchy and mess up just enough to occasionally get on your nerves, I wouldn’t have chose this for my pick if the sheer beauty of the game didn’t outweigh these slight annoyances. If you have a little patience, Skyward Sword is truly one of the most beautiful games of not just 2011, but of all time.

Other Picks:
Uncharted 3
L.A. Noire
Assassin’s Creed: Revelations

Best Platformer

Rayman Origins

Rayman Origins is pure platforming bliss, but was sadly overlooked in the wave of big name releases in November, coming out within a week of Skyrim, Call of Duty, and Assassin’s Creed. While Origins was on of the most overlooked titles of 2011, it was also one of the best. The platforming is smooth, fast paced, and the perfect level of difficulty, not to mention featuring the hilariously fun 4 Player competitive/Co-op made popular by New Super Mario Bros Wii. Every world has a wonderful, distinct art style that makes every second of playing filled with sweet sweet eye candy, not to mention one of the most fun and quirky soundtracks I have heard in recent years. Rayman Origins is one of the prettiest, most fun platformers I have ever played, possibly as good as Super Mario World, and is the breath of fresh air that the 2-D platformer genre needed. Developers need to stop making constant modern shooters and take a hint from UbiSoft; gamers need variety.

Other Picks:
Super Mario 3D Land
Sonic Generations
LittleBigPlanet 2

Best RPG

Deus Ex: Human Revolution

I’ve never played any of the previous Deus Ex games, but if they are anything like Human Revolution. I can assume that they’re fantastic. The world of Deus Ex is a wonderfuly realized, and frighteningly plausible, future spread across several locales, from a poverty struck Detroit, to a research facility in the Arctic Ocean, to, my personal favorite hub world, a multitiered Chinese metropolis. The actual gameplay generally has you going through various research facilities and labs, but perhaps the strongest part of Human Revolution is the many ways to tackle each mission. One can take the stealthy route, silently killing enemies, run in guns blazing, or perhaps bypass killing entirely by using non-lethal takedowns or hacking. Deus Ex is obviously not your typical turnbased jRPG, as it in general wRPG fashion is foremost an action game with strong RPG elements such as leveling, upgrading, multiple paths, and moral decisions sprinkled throughout, which I personally prefer to standard RPGs. To call Deus Ex perfect would be an overstatement as it, like any game, has it’s flaws, though they are fairly easy to overlook. The only major annoyances that actually hinder gameplay are the stiff cover and occasionally stiff gunplay, along with trite boss fights, though the otherwise fantastic gameplay, stellar soundtrack, and plathora of gameplay choices make it one hell of a great game.

Other Picks:
Skyrim
Pokemon Black/White
Radiant Historia

Best Port/Remake

The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time 3D

I shouldn’t have to sing Ocarina of Time’s praises, as most people (except for a couple of DUDES) know how great of a game it is, and it is my favorite game of all time. Ocarina 3D is not just another port though, it is by far the definative version. The visuals are leaps and bounds ahead of the N64 version, looking more on par with a Gamecube game, with completely new textures, leaving the land of Hyrule looking even more magnificent than ever. The gameplay is the same as the 64, though touch screen menus vastly improve areas like the Water Temple by making every item a couple of taps away, while the addition optional gyroscope aiming feels perfect for the game and is smoother and quicker than using analog aiming. All in all, Ocarina 3D is an amazing port of a perfect game that, in a rare turn of events for a port such as this, greatly enhances the experience of it’s source material.

MrVonAwesometon’s Mystical, Everchanging FAVORITE GAMES OF ALL TIME LIST!


There has been a lack of posts lately, so, as I have nothing better to do, here is some wonderful and enlightening filler! So in no particular order, here are  my top 25 games of all time! P.S. when there are direct sequels, such as Bioshock 1/2  and Portal 1/2, I will only list my favorite.

1. The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time

2. Fallout 3

3. Paper Mario

4. Half Life 2

5. Portal 2

6.  Skyrim

7. LA Noire

8. Pokemon Ruby/Sapphire

9. BioShock

10. Banjo Tooie

11.The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker

12. Super Smash Bros. Brawl

13. Super Mario Galaxy 2

14. Halo 3

15. Super Mario World

16. Metal Gear Solid 4

17. Uncharted 2

18. Professor Layton and the Curious Village

19. Mother 3

20. Mass Effect 2

21. The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword

22. Ratchet & Clank: Going Commando

23. Sly 2: Band of Thieves

24. Alan Wake

25. Soul Calibur IV

Yay! Finished! I probably forgot like 12 different games, but too bad, deal with it! Hope you enjoyed this most pointless of all filler posts!

Overall Game of the Year 2011


Kenny’s Pick: Portal 2

Image

I know what you’re thinking; “How could you choose Portal 2 over Skyrim?!” I’ll tell you several reasons, the first being the writing. Skyrim is in no ways a bad game, quite the opposite, but can you name one memorable line of dialog not spoken by a guard not just in Skyrim, but the whole of the Elder Scrolls franchise? I can’t think of one, but there are countless in both Portal games. From the AI cores, to GlaDOS’ comments on Chell’s weight, to the pure gold that is every line that Cave Johnson speaks, every piece of dialog is witty, memorable, and hilarious. I would rather hear Johnson’s lemon tirade over “arrow to the knee” any day.

Whenever you aren’t laughing at and memorizing every piece of comedic gold spoken by the cast you are solving some of the most clever, interesting puzzles in gaming, rivaled only by the Layton games. Probably the best part of the game’s puzzle solving is the perfect pacing that Valve implements. Right when you finally get a grasp of the basic portaling, lasers are introduced; whenever you think you’ve mastered lasers, faith plates are introduced. This cycle continues until all of the game’s clever mechanics have been introduced, adding up to about 60 chambers of glorious science.

Simply put, Portal 2 is pure, entertaining, puzzling bliss, with a stellar Jonathan Coulton song to boot! While Skyrim will last you 200 hours, Portal 2 is 15 hours of hilarious, well written, perfectly paced single player, and an even larger amount of mind bending Co-op backed by even more free DLC that will leave you in awe and wishing that Valve could count to three.

Runners Up/Other Picks:

Elder Scrolls V Skyrim

Uncharted 3: Drake’s Deception

The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword

BEYBLADE REVENGE OF THE BEYBLADES (preview)


By MrVonAwesometon

Here is a preview of……..

Tyson Granger sat in his dank office with his lawyerish feet upon his desk. He took a long drag off of his Lucky Strike™ brand cigarette, as a lawyer and part time Beyblader of his caliber deserves only the finest of smokables when he is on break, as do the 9 out of 10 doctors who recommend them. With an intense thirst and the smell of the fresh shit floating in his toilet lingering in the air, Tyson pondered why he didn’t pay the water bill.

Frustrated by the lack of running water in his humble domicile, Ty kicked down the front door for whatever reason and skipped his merry way down to the butcher’s shop to buy a fine fat goose for his goodly wife. Upon reaching the butchers, Tyson realized that he is lacking a goodly wife and made a mental note to stop imagining stupid shit like that.

Tyson kicked down the glass door to the butcher’s shop, though it would take more than a foot full of glass to stop his completely pointless and aimless quest for goose buy. The barkeep, a 7’8” asian man named Max Tate, slid Tyson his usual, a glass of salami on the rocks.

“Max” spoke Tyson in the most silky, sultry of lawyereal drawls “why does your last name so closely resemble ‘taint’?”

“I find that to be a fairly offensive statement.” whispered the unnaturally tall asian man in the most sheepish of possible bleats

The disgruntled lawyer’s pointless rage mounted to an even more pointless climax of pure unbridled and pointless rage as he attempted to flip the bar. Upon experiencing the epiphany that the bar was bolted to the floor, Tyson mimed kicking down the door he already kicked down upon his entrance and stormed out. After jogging around the block several times, Mr Granger remembered that he had both a foot full of glass and a severe lack of pants cradling his groin.

“Well sheeeeeeet, I think I’m gonna go Bay some Blades!” screamed the lawyerine young man as he completely diregarded his desperate need for medical attention.

[Bayblading skipped as I have no idea what the hell Bayblades are]

“Hey theya shug, that was some damned fined BladeBaying!” the deperate crack whore Hilary Tatibana said to Tyson in a feeble attempt to procure money to fuel her addiction. “Can we have sex now? Because I REALLY need a fix.”

“I have no need to confer with the putrid refuse known as mortals, as I am a GOD! STARE UPON MY SPIN TOP THING AND DESPAIR, FOR I AM YOUR RULER NOW!” decreed Tyson Granger, god of all shitty spin top toys

“Wait…..wuh?” Hilary forced out as she stood on the precipice of an alcohol induced choma

Then, accompanied by an immaculate chorus of angels, Lord Coolio, Slayer of the Frito Bandito and Lighter of Dried Leaves That One Time When He Lit A Bunch of Dried Leaves shouted from the very bowels of his lungs “No.” 

First Impressions: Duke Nukem Forever


A quick disclaimer before I get started; no I did not pay full price for this game; it was 10$, and no, I did not buy it thinking it would be a good game. Now that that’s out of the way, lets talk about the game, and whether it is REALLY the abomination to video gaming that I have been lead to believe.

The game starts in a bathroom with Duke, you probably could’ve guessed, standing in front of a urinal with this direction superimposed over the game screen; “Hold RT to piss”. Sure enough, a stream of what I can assume is lemonade comes streaming out of Duke’s crotch. Whelp, this sure is a fantastic way to start out a game. After Mr Nukem is done relieving himself I take a stroll around the bathroom, turning on showers and doing much more pissing, and then exit into a locker room. In the center of the room is a whiteboard with a battle plan on it, labeled “Operation Cock Block”. I’ll tell you now, the jokes I have heard in my first several hours of gameplay have not advanced farther than the standard penis joke. After drawing a crudely illustrated penis on the white board, to which the soldier standing by me referred to as “a brilliant plan”, I ran through some hallways, I punched stuff, and then I went up an elevator. This is where the first really interesting thing happens.

I am lifted into a football arena with a huge monster…uhm…alien….cyclops….thing. I pick up a rocket launcher which, to add a layer of complex, intelligent humor to the game, had 69 rockets, and begin my assault. I shoot, I dodge, I pick up more ammo, I repeat, until this thing is dead. Duke jumps on his head, pulls out a random hose that I can only assume is there to have something to pull out, and then kicks the monster’s eye through the field goa-BUT WAIT! In a Mario Bros 2 style plot twist, the whole battle was a drea..urm, I mean, a video game! Duke sits in controller in hand and two scantily clad women stand up from shining his shoes. After recovering from that staggering blow of a plot twist, I asked myself this; “Was that really that bad?”.

Sure the gunplay was stale, sure the dialog was probably written by the person who writes Gears of Wars ambient dialog after a terrible drinking binge, but does that detract from the fact that it is a fairly fun game? I say no. Now this may be because I am a connoisseur of terrible media, as I would and have willingly hours playing Earth Defense Force and watching the Super Mario Bros Super Show, but the three or four hours I have spent playing Duke Nukem Forever have been pretty damn fun! I mean, it’s not the same sort of rewarding fun as Bioshock or Mass Effect, but the sort of cheap, hilarious fun as watching Catwoman with a couple of friends. You definitely shouldn’t buy it over Skyrim or Uncharted 3, but for 10$ is a fine replacement for Earth Defense Force as the Superman IV of your game collection.

Post Navigation