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Distanced: An Audio Drama


Distanced: An Audio Drama cover art

http://thedude3445.bandcamp.com/album/distanced-an-audio-drama

This is one of the Short Story Writing Adventure Marathon stories that I’ve been putting off making for the longest time. What I have learned from making this Audio Drama is that random fiction generators + improvisation make for really stupid stories.

But anyway, download this album and get a bunch of pictures, including drawings I made when I was 7, .docx files of many other SSWAM stories, and 3 bonus songs (one of which is visible to non-downloaders already, though). It is free and you should download it.

http://thedude3445.bandcamp.com/album/distanced-an-audio-drama

Nova Sparkles


This was the collab story that WhiteKnight from the MSPA IRC wrote with me. It is great! Also 20 pages long.

 

Nova Sparkles

By Thedude3445 and WhiteKnight

(Also I guess Ktalaki helped too) (not really no i didn’t)


It was a bright, sunny, and boring day for little Angela Sprinkles, who sat in front of her couch watching TV with contradictory passion. “I love watching the Big Fluffy Sofa!” she yelled every time its commercial came up. It was easily her favorite show; after all, how could something with clowns in it not be funny? But just as the amazing, darling show ended, the four-year-old came across a commercial that sparked more desire in her than anything else had in her brief life.

It was an advertisement for a special snack. The Sparkly Treat was super sweet, and it was the best thing you could ever eat. Wow! The television showed a bright and shining relic of cakey goodness that Angela knew she had to have. It was sold at stores nationwide, the commercial said, so she went to her local grocery store to purchase one… or two… or three…dozen.

She searched and searched the aisles at least ten times each before she walked up to the shopkeep, a large, green man with eyes on either end of his almost triangular head. This was clearly a Mantisman, perhaps of the Praying variety. That hardly mattered, however, as all Angela cared for was that amazing incredible sweet mere moments away from her tongue! “Excuse me, Mr. Mantis, but where are the Sparkly Treats?”

Mantissman was not sure what she meant. “Angela, we just got them in yesterday. You should be able to find them all over the store. Loads of boxes and boxes of marshmallowy delight, sure to send your tastebuds into a shock or fright! ” This was making Angela hungry. “I can’t find them though! Can you help me?” He said “Sure!” and took her hand with his claw. They went off in search of the plethora of pastries.

Yet, after more searching than Mantissman cared, what with him having to lift and shove and open every single box, he was ready to give up within two sweeps of his stocks. “I’m sorry, Angela, but it seems that we’ve somehow completely sold out of Sparkly Treats!”

“Oh, but that can’t be right, Mister! I only started seeing the commercial today!” The little girl was nowhere near crying, but the idea came to her, and how silly she would look crying for a treat, however delectable, that she had just searched for the better part of a quarter-hour for. “Maybe I can somehow make my own Sparkly Treats?”

“You could,” Mr. Mantis told Angela, “but it would take a long journey. The ingredients of the Sparkly Treats are a highly-guarded secret, and their locations lie across the kingdom!” She would do whatever it took to make the Sparkly Treats; this hindrance would not hamper her destiny, which was to eat some sweet treats like the commercial told her to! She would prevail perfectly.

“It can’t be that hard!” she giggled. “Thank you for looking, Mr. Mantis. I must must must must must have have have haaaaaaave one of those Sparkly Treats!” And with that, she stormed out of the shop with the ferocity of a dragon diving for prey, scaring the other children who may or may not have been in her way. She nearly slammed the door open, but made sure it closed properly, as befitting a lover of sweets!

Unbeknownst to her, however, a shadow in a suit watched from around the corner. It watched, studied, and picked a cell phone out of its pocket. The man that this shadow belonged to called his superiors and told them, “Angela Sprinkles is setting on her journey to create the Sparkly Treats. We cannot allow that.” Who was this and who was he calling? It sure was a mystery!

The walk out of town was long and even more boring than shows that were not the Big Fluffy Sofa. It had taken Angela until the time school would be out to reach the gates from the store, and then she had to wrestle words with a watchman before she could even think of actually leaving. “There are monsters outside, little girl!” “You can’t go out alone, you’ll be eaten!” “Don’t do this, kid, you have too much to live for!” All were like flies buzzing around her, annoying and easily swat, for the guardsmen were in fact, towels.

These towels didn’t know what they were talking about! But Angela did know who would be wise to her ponderings; the powerful President of Eropia! That was who she needed to see first. It was a short journey, as the castle was only a small distance from the town. She was there in no time, unlike the journey out of the town in the first place.

The President’s castle was almost always open during the day, and Angela could easily walk inside since the President’s own guards were just tissues compared to the mighty towels of her hometown. It was a big place, and it had even bigger shelves than the Mantissman’s grocery store by far. All of the gold and emerald shinies in the world could not distract her from her goal, however, and she walked up to and confronted the dumbfounded President like it wasn’t a thing.

“Hey!” Angela exclaimed. She was ready for some malty munching on some Sparkly Treats! The president continued to stare at the young girl with a nonplussed expression. “What do you want?” He asked, seemingly hesitatingly.

“I wanna know how I can make Sparkly Treats! All the stores are sold out, even the one by my house!”

“That I cannot help you with. For, you see, my son is creating quite the ruckus around here, and I cannot help ANYONE until he is calmed down!”

“Awww, shucks! How did he get to be so cranky, Mr. President?”

“I am not sure, go ask him.”

And so she did, brazenly marching into a ruler’s child’s room, to find a boy smaller than her with a little crown in his head and nice shiny clothes crying and screaming and kicking everything in sight! When he saw her, he tried to kick her too, but Angela started screaming herself and the tissues came to her aid! “Why are you doing this?!” she cried.

“I lost my favorite toy!!!!” he lashed out. “Help me find it or I’ll kick you!”

“Did you check under your bed?” she asked, wary of the kick-happy little tyrant.

“Of course I checked under my bed!!! It’s always the first place I look!”

“Then… Oh, just come with me and maybe you can get some ultra delicious Sparkly Treats!”

“Ok.”

They went back into the throne room to converse with the President once more.

“Well Mr. President, your son has calmed down, and he is going to go with me to find his lost toy.”

“Oh boy! Thank you very much. Now I will tell you the ingredients that you will need to create a Sparkly Treat!”

Angela listened carefully to what he said; it was very important.

“First, and absolutely first, you must have some Supernice Sugar. Sparkly Treats are sensitive to context and causality, which will surely bore you, so let me simplify this; if you do not get this first, it will be extremely bitter, no matter how you make it.

“Next, you will need some Baking Soda. And not the powdery kind, but actual soda made for baking! It is a special liquidy concoction that allows the Sparkly Treat to retain its mushy plushy shape, no matter how old it is. Without it, your snack will surely melt before your eyes!”

“Whoa, really?” Angela was shocked. How insanely delicious did Sparkly Treats have to be in order to need such magical ingredients?

“Yes, really. Glow powder, a potent magic powder found only in a specific cave network called the Creepy Caverns, has many powerful properties and automatically refines itself into Atomic Sprinkles when immersed in true Spicy Milk, which is a drink that is such a delicacy that even I do not know where it can be found.

“Last, but not least, is the Tray of Goodieness, an artifact most sacred to the fey order of the Republican Party for its ability to make any pastry taste simply divine. Without it, Sparkly Treats are merely the best sweet in the world. With it, they are the greatest confection that ever has, ever will, and even can exist. Its importance is undeniable.”

The prince then whined. “This is a whole lot of work for some amazing sweets!”

“Then I guess you don’t have to go, Kallybo. But then you can’t get your toy!”

“Awwwwwww……” Prince Kallybo reluctantly went with the group even still.

“Aren’t you forgetting something, Mr. President?” chimed in his chief chancellor, Lord Xintoph.

“It seems that I am. They are but children, and one is my own son! How can I not appoint a guardian for them? Wait, traveller girl! Before you go, you must have a chaperone– a protector– a guide! Blue, I summon thee from the depths of… somewhere… to protect these children with your might and wisdom!!”

A floating orb, glowing in the light of the throne room, began to speak with a voice that was almost robotic. “As you say, sir.”

And so Angela, Kallybo, and Blue began being boisterous, heading down to the Town Jail to collect the repository of Supernice Sugar. Why it was there Angela didn’t know; but she didn’t care, either. It was time for Sparkly Treats!

The jail was fenced by lasers and gated with spikes, and had no guards whatsoever outside. “Wow, it almost looks scary,” Kallybo said, observing the marvelous sharp and hot bits in with affection. But with the prince’s clearance of voice, a few screams of “I’LL GET MY DADDY TO FIRE YOU IF YOU DON’T LET ME IN!” got the three into the facility.

“That was rather brash of you, Prince,” chimed the orb.

Kallybo whined back at Blue. “It doesn’t matter. I just want to get my toy and go home, ok!”

But when they entered the jail, a group of suited men with grey hair confronted them! They all had permanent scowls, and looked like serious business was meant by their very presence.

“Who are you people?” Angela asked, agonizingly, as she was impatient beyond belief.

“Welcome to the Republican Party!” the leader of the group shouted. It was the Republican Party of the United States of America, and they were ready to steal the Sparkly Treats from Angela! They needed the Sparkly Treats to help lower the deficit, so they wanted to make their own.

“What’s a deficit?” asked Angela.

Luckily, Blue seemed to know almost everything. “To explain it in brief, we are currently in a deficit by not having enough Sparkly Treats. It is the same for them, except they need money instead.”

The Republican Leader was not having any of this dallying around. “We came for the Sugar, young lady, but perhaps you can get away with something else if you just leave right now.” With a snicker, he pulled a remote out of his suit, and pressed a big red button on it, revealing a glass cage in the ceiling, with another orb inside of it.

“JENNIFER!” Blue shouted. “You… You monsters!”

“We would usually never deal with anything so… Blue… But this is a special occasion. Give up now, and Jennifer is yours for the taking.”

“But she is my wife! She already is mine!”

“Not anymore. Unless you give up, that is.”

Suddenly, Jennifer burst out of her invisible prison, and glass shattered everywhere. It was certainly not a place for a toddler to be, so Angela and Kallybo backed off! The Republicans fled the scene, mumbling about their next plot to best the group, while Jennifer and Blue were finally reunited.

“Blue,” Jenifer said. “I love you. It is true.”

“Do you?” Blue sarcastically replied. He gave a laugh. “Hoo hoo.”

The power of their true love was able to vanquish the container; all orbs possessed the ability to amplify their strength when in close proximity to the one that they love, something that the Republicans were completely unaware of!

And so, Angela delved deeper into the jail, finding an unspeakable number of Supernice Sugar sacks within its cells. It was truly a sight to behold; that much sugar could probably fulfill the global population’s energy needs as it was in exchange for gaining quite a bit of weight. That had failed to dawn on our intrepid heroes, however, as Angela handed a few sacks to the orbs to somehow deal with carrying.

“The next ingredient, Miss Angela, is Glow Powder. We must travel far, to the Creepy Caverns, in order to get some.” It was amazing how much Blue knew about things.

“Actually,” Angela chimed in, “There is an entrance to the Creepy Caverns nearby! I learned this from watching the Big Fluffy Sofa!” Blue was shocked that this little girl has bested him at an information-off. It simply could not be fathomed, but it was done. This girl has the potential to be amazing.

The path to the Creepy Caverns entrance near the jail was full of harmless big animals that ate nothing but plants. Angela petted a few and was nuzzled in return, but the orbs had to restrain Kallybo from kicking them in another one of his princely fits. Suddenly, there were trotting sounds not far ahead of them. To Angela, it could only mean one thing.

“HORSIE!!”

This was a beautiful steed that was separated from its owner. It was probably lost and lonely in these caverns.

“What is your name, Horsie?”

“Neigh,” The horse neighed.

“Really?”

“Neigh.”

“Well then, that is what I will call you! And you are going to be my little pony, okay? I am going to keep you and raise you and feed you, and eventually we will eat Sparkly Treats together!”

“Neigh.”

And so it was.

It turned out that Neigh was just in front of the caves. The orbs glowed as they entered the dark, spooky, aptly-named Creepy Caverns, full of tiny wriggling and jittering beasties within, but none nearly as scary as all the sharp rocks pointing from the floor and ceiling.

Kallybo shouted, “What are those pointy things?!” in a mix of terror and appreciation for something so manly that they should be on a great robot.

Jennifer, as competent at knowing things as her husband, replied, “The ones on the ceiling are called stalactites, and the ones on the ground are stalagmites. The g and c are an easy mnemonic tool to know which is which.”

Angela took no heed of this as she ventured forth, only slightly daunted by the creepy caverns. Perhaps a week ago, she may have made a mess of herself or tripped and gotten a little bruise, but not today! With the Sparkly Treats in the balance, nothing was too scary for the little girl. Nothing, except possibly the monstrosity ahead.

Freaky Fred was the guaridan of the Creepy Caverns, and, as his name implied, he was a beast. His very face made not only Angela shriek, but even little Kallybo, who was before “too tough” to be scared.

“Arrgh!” Freaky Fred roared. It was quite a fright of a sight, seeing his great might! None were unshaken by the fearsome ferocity of Freaky Fred… except for one. It was Neigh who was to save the day. Way to go, Neigh! It jumped over the monster and gave it a good kick to the hindquarters, showing him who was boss, once and for all.

“Arrgh!” Freaky Fred shouted, this time less loudly and more painfully. “Gosh, I wasn’t trying to hurt you guys! I am very sorry for roaring like that. I must have scared you all like the dickens.”

“It didn’t scare me,” Kallybo lied.

“Is there any way you could make it up to us, because that sure was terrifying,” Angela cleverly asked, trying to take advantage of the situation as best as possible.

“Why, sure as speck I can. Do you all need some glow powder, because I’ve got myself plenty. The surplus is unimaginable, and I could give you the bunch of it, eh? Think that’d work?”

“How much powder are we talking here? A handful? A barrel? An entire boatload?”

“This entire cave system is full of it, from back to front! You can have all of it.”

The moment Angel heard the word “all” she started scooping some up in a sack Fred was generous enough to provide, and he had several more just waiting for her to fill them up. After gathering for what seemed like hours, but in reality was a mere twenty five minutes, the gang had about eight sacks filled, and once again the Orbs stashed them who-knows-where.

“You might want to check by the mall past the Jail,” Fred started. “After all, only a most special bottle can hold the greatest Baking Soda ever, straight from the planet Venus!”

Angela dropped a sack she was about to hand to Jennifer, spreading Glow powder around. The orb did her best to collect the spilled powder, but some specks were just too irritating to pick up. “Planet Venus?” Everyone about expected her to be shocked, but then she squealed in delight. “I get to go to space, I get to go to space, I get to go to space!!”

Just then however, there was a great, mighty sneeze. “AH-CHOO!!”

“W-who was that?” Kallybo started.

An unfamiliar voice answered. “It was obviously me.”

Angela turned around to face this voice, seeing only Neigh.

“Who?” she asked, and was amazed when she saw its lips move and a somewhat human voice come from it. “Me, Neigh, your horse, of course!”

Once again, Blue was shocked to discover a thing he did not know. “It seems… that glow powder can grant either animals or just horses the ability and motivation to use human speech. I am at a loss for more than this.”

“The mall awaits!” shouted Jennifer, having more of a sense of adventure than her darling.

They briskly dashed into the building, at awe of the many businesses that made this place their home. There were just… so many! It was like a dream come- TOYS R US. THERE WAS A TOYS R US.

“TAKE ME TAKE ME TAKE ME TAKE ME.” Ordered Prince Kallybo. “TAKE ME TAKE ME TAKE ME.”

Both Jennifer and Blue were at a loss for words in regards to this. They knew the potential dangers and possible traps, but it was such a wonderful place!

“TAKE ME TAKE ME.” Kallybo refused to cease his rampant screaming. “TAKE ME TAKE ME TAKE ME TAKE ME TAKE ME.”

Jennifer finally gave in. “Yeah I guess you can go,”

Both Angela and Kallybo cheered, and ran into the store. The two orbs weren’t sure if they would ever actually see either of the toddlers again. That place was big.

Angela quickly lost track of Kallybo as she checked for the girliest girly things around this side of Girltown. Baby dolls, Parbies, Simpli-Bake Ovens, and Punkz figures abounded, but that trash was for babies; Angela was a little girl. It was her life’s journey to make her way to the soft drinks section and drink all the sweetness and sugar and happy joy high yay that she could possibly ingest. And there it was, standing amidst a series of Baby Bottle Snap candies. A form so regal, so magical, that it simply had to be the bottle of Baking Soda.

She reached up for it, and grabbed it. As she pulled it down, however, she cleared the shelf of everything, bringing all the bottles down with a series of smashing sounds as they all hit the floor. The candies simply stopped where they were, but the Bottle, in its magnificence, rolled, rolled, and rolled. Angela chased it to little avail, until it rolled under a door. She looked up, and her eyes widened as she gazed at the sign: Video Games.

Meanwhile, Neigh was enjoying in the food court, when a pudgy little man waddled up to it.

“Horse, we’re gonna have to pull you aside and ask you a few questions.”

“About what?” Asked Neigh, who was more than willing to comply, but was simply curious.

“I can’t tell ya that.”

Now its curiousity was more than piqued. “Why not? I have a right to know my charges!”

“How did you know we were gonna arrest you?”

“Ha! See!”

“Oops.”

By now, several other mall cops began approaching Neigh, ready to take it down all at once. See, they were no ordinary mall cops, as they were paid off by the Republican Party! Neigh realized this and galloped its way into Toys R Us, where it could hopefully be safe.

Also coincidentally, Kallybo struggled to find the amazing toy he had lost at home, and controlling himself for once, considering that he was in a toy store and it would be extremely nasty to kick toys, made his way over to something else that could probably entertain him for a while. He was rather surprised however, to find Angela in front of the Video Game section as well.

“What’re you doing here, Treat Girl?”

“The Baking Soda Bottle rolled into that dreaded place! Without it, we can’t collect any Baking Soda, but I can’t go into that place alone! I’ll get hurt!”

“Don’t worry. Prince Kallybo is the raddest video game player you’ve ever seen.”

Kallybo grabbed Angela’s hand, and they jumped into the zone. Neigh entered the Video Game aisle as well, with the many mall cops pursuing it like madmen.

The aisle’s floor was absolutely drenched in slime of various colors, mostly blue and green. Kallybo stapped onto some blue slime and slipped, while Angela got stuck on some green slime and lost his hand. Neigh, being a horse, galloped over the blue slime and pulled himself with such great force that he dislodged Angela from the slime and at once knocked her onto him through the power of abusive physics.

“Did you just see what that horse did?” One rent-a-cop asked, incredulous.

“This is almost not worth the Republican Party’s bonus!”

“Almost.” They at once chased after Neigh with hoverboots and continued their pursuit relentlessly, while Kallybo managed to kick the last officer as he managed to regain his footing. The officer went tumbling into a shelf full of accessories, and destroyed dozens of Yuu AddiMotive devices. Many consumers would be quite miffed that day, but as things were, the horse was still being chased!

“Slow down, Neigh!” Angela commanded, but Neigh scoffed at this and only went faster, swerving at the last second. Fortunately for him, the altered physics of the aisle sent most of the mall guards crashing into CrossContainer Circle-type games. Kallybo, seeing this, went into a frenzy at these relentless, disgraceful excuses for guards and ran, after the few still chasing Angela and her mount. “YOU’RE ALL GONNA BE FIRED SO HARD WHEN I’M THROUGH WITH YOU!” he roared, loudly as his three-year-old self could muster, and made an effort to stay on the blue slimy parts to chase them ever faster.

Unfortunately for the prince, a lava flow from the ceiling began to burst right in front of him. Though he did pass it, he found his rear aflame and ran even faster after the mall cops in fear of the scorching pain behind him. With a little more fancy maneuvering from Neigh, they were slowed enough for him to kick them into the ground, and only then could he find the time to stop, drop, and roll the flames away. Unfortunately, the slimes completely ruined his regal garments, but he did not seem to care.

Neigh then caught sight of the bottle, and hastened ever further to Angela’s chagrin. “Now you’re playing with horsepower, Angie!” the mount shouted, and kicked the bottle up. Angela almost realized too late what was happening, but caught it against her chest with both arms, and Neigh at once began to slow down, careful enough not to buck its rider with a too-rapid stop.

“Just give me a moment, Angela, I’m a little beat,” Neigh said.

“I should check up on Kallybo, anyway. That was amazing, Neigh! I have the best horse!”

The beast neighed in laughter, pleased with its praise.

Suddenly, the lights grew dim, and the intercom came on.

“All stores closing in one minute! Please leave. Oh no! How were they to get out of the store in less than a minute?

They couldn’t. The doors locked, and they were trapped in the store. Blue and Jennifer most likely did get out, and were still waiting for them to leave the mall, but they couldn’t now! What would they do now?

It was then when Angela realized that the solution was in the skies; they could exit out of the glass roof. If only they could contact Blue and Jennifer, they could use their orb powers to smash the glass, and they would be able to escape. But how would they get to the top in the first place?

“How will we ever get out…..” Prince Kallybo complained. “Now we’re stuck up here with all these dumb toys.”

“That’s it!” Angela had the perfect idea. “We could stack all the toys in the store up until they reached the tippity top!”

Neigh, Kallybo, and Angela began stacking as fast as a horse and two children possibly could. It took several hours, but eventually they arranged every LETGO, every GI Max, every Parbie, and every single toy in the Toys R Us until they were almost at the top of the building. The three of them climbed to the very apex, the acclimate altitude of the uncomfy construct, but it was just shy of the roof. How would they get the extra few inches they needed? They exhausted the entire inventory of the Toys R Us!

There was only one option, and it was one that Kallybo would not be fond of. “I’m going to have to use your new toy for the last piece of this tower, Kid Prince.” Kallybo reacted accordingly, freaking out at this. But he realized there was no other way to escape the building. He set the toy down, and the three of them stepped onto it. Angela reached her arm up and tapped the glass of the roof. They did it!

Jennifer and Blue almost instantly appeared and broke the glass, allowing the kids and Neigh to climb up onto the roof! Kallybo looked back at his new toy with tears in his eyes, knowing that he was so close to happiness, but he had to give it up. Then he turned his head and saw the giant spaceship parked in front of them.

“Look what we found,” Jennifer said. “This spaceship is going to be very useful. For, you see, we have the Baking Soda Bottle, but not the Baking Soda itself! That substance is located in only one place; the planet Venus!” Jennifer showed off her knowledge extraordinaire with pride.

“And we can just take it?” Angela was not sure why this spaceship was so conveniently placed on the roof of the building that they were just at!

“Yep.”

“Ok.”

They entered the vessel from a ramp jutting out from it, leading into a whole mess of convoluted cleaning and sealing procedures that left the toddlers rather upset. Fortunately for them, there was a TV for them to watch and play video games on. Even more fortunately, Angela just so happened to be hungry for an after-midnight snack, and opened the ship’s fridge to find more Spicy Milk than a dozen cows could dream of making.

“Wow, look at that!” Blue exclaimed. “This is just what we needed. Good job, Angela!” The little girl was very proud.

But little did they know, a ship of evil insectoid space pirates were pursuing their spacecraft in search of the very same spicy milk that they had just encountered. For cows did not exist on their homeworld, and milk was a commodity to them! They activated their ship’s tractor beam and pulled our heroes’ ship within milk-stealing distance.

Kallybo heard a knocking at the door of their ship. He did not know that you are not supposed to open the doors to ships while they are in space, but he did anyway, hoping to find a pleasant guest. However, this was not the case– it was the space pirates!

The pirates were nothing at all like the Mantis people back in the kingdom. They had eight sets of compound eyes, sixteen mobile gnashing fangs on their faces, and undulating glands between their heads and thoraxes that grated like distant thunder. Though they had hands instead of claws, their three fingers had far too many joints, and one grabbed Kallybo by his collar and screamed some incomprehensible bug-language at him, and his nose registered their breath as being terribly stinky.

“Let go of me you jerk, or I will have my daddy fire you!” he shouted, his limbs flailing about in the air, trying to kick the buggy freak. Alas, the pirate’s arms were too long, and the fiend’s compatriots began to search the ship for the spicy milk.

They had to do something, or else the space pirates would steal all the spicy milk and Angela would never be able to create a Sparkly Treat! But she had no idea how to beat these fiends. She didn’t even know alien space pirates existed until just now. Maybe she could ask the space pirates nicely to go away?

“Hey space pirates! Please don’t take our stuff, it’s ours.” The space pirates did not respond, for they could not speak. They only gargled an animalistic response.

It was then when she got a brilliant idea. Maybe she could throw some glow powder on them, so they could talk like Neigh? She tried it, and a dusty film covered all of the space pirates. Though their voices did change, they were still incomprehensible, and instead spoke in almost melodious chirps and tweets, and could still understand one another.

But then, Blue had an idea. “Atomic Sprinkles are potentially dangerous to many life forms, especially bugs, if not handled properly. They run the risk of getting extremely fat just by being around them.” Quickly, the orb took a gallon of Spicy Milk and emptied the whole thing on the pirates, and the powder on them rapidly solidified into slightly larger chunks of colorful little rods that glowed different colors in the light and the dark. The pirates screamed their bird-bug screams, and lumpy growths soon dotted their bodies. They ran away in fear for their health, all of them completely leaving the gang’s ship and locking their own door.

This allowed Jennifer an excellent chance to beat them away with the ship’s laser cannons, and she did so, herding them all the way to Mars. “Is everyone okay?” she asked. Kallybo grunted, clearly unharmed but a little shaken up and upset, and Neigh neighed, wondering what had even happened.

Only Angela and Blue actually responded. “I’m okay,” the toddler answered, and Blue only needed to give his wife an orby look to convey that his worries were alleviated. Now that they were safe, they could make it to Venus with no more problems.

A few minutes later, they arrived on the planet. Blue made Angela and Kallybo wear space suits rather than get off the ship unprotected, and Kallybo adamantly complained about the lack of fashionability that the space suit provided. “This suit is so boring and gray! Where are all the colors, Blue?” Blue answered snarkily, saying “The colors are in your heart, Kallybo!” Kallybo gave a nasty “hmph!” in response.

Venus was a HOT HOT HOT planet! It was much warmer than Earth, even in the summer when the temperature was the hottest at Angela’s house, so she had to turn on the air conditioner. She thought exploring a new planet would be fun, but all it was doing was making her sweaty and gross. The space suit only made it worse, considering that it was supposed to help out where there was no atmosphere, but it was that or burst into flames, according to Blue. She wanted to find the Baking Soda and get off.

It took them a few hours of mountains and empty plains, but they discovered the spring where the Baking Soda was located. It was a silvery liquid, glittering in the reflection of the nearby sun. It was really cool! Angela ran up to go splash in the pool, but Blue immediately stopped her.

“No, you can’t do that! You’ll melt up. See, Angela, this spring of Baking Soda is molten hot! It is like lava on our planet, and that is why only the Baking Soda Bottle can contain it.” Blue took the bottle and scooped up just enough, without getting too close. “Safety is paramount. Remember that.” Blue sure was wise about safety rules.

Rather than trek through the same extremely hot plains and mountains again, Blue decided to go the easy route and levitate the children with him, flying back to the ship. This way took a meager half an hour compared to the walk to the spring, which upset the toddlers. “Why did we have to go the long way to the spring?!” Kallybo whined.

“Ah, children,” Blue started. “Perhaps you don’t understand now, but when you’re older, you’ll definitely get what I mean in what I’m about to say.” The orb made a sound of clearing a throat, or whatever orbs had instead, and finished “Trips are about the journey, not the destination! The way is almost more important than what’s at the end!” Alas, this was lost upon such simple children who only wanted the universe’s greatest treat and a toy.

Back on the ship, Jennifer used a radio to communicate to the others as they were headed back. “You’d better hurry, guys,” she said. “There’s a meteor shower about to begin in a few minutes, and rocks will start falling all over the planet!” Thankfully, they got onboard and were able to leave just in time.

As they were leaving, Kallybo and Angela watched the meteor shower out the window. From far away, it was the most beautiful thing Angela had ever seen, topping even the gold-silver spring of Baking Soda. Venus was a pretty place, and she decided that one day she would go back, after she finally made the Sparkly Treats.

But now was not the time for planning the future so meticulously. Angela had been on her quest for quite some time, and now it was time to sleep. Kallybo had already passed out on the floor, but Angela got to her special spaceship bunk bed and got in. Jennifer made sure to tuck her in, and tell her a bedtime story. “Good night,” the orb told her as she faded into unconsciousness.

Angela’s dream that night was truly a strange one. She struggled, seeing nothing but light brown, trying to raise herself by paddling her arms and legs about. Light broke through whatever this brown, tasty stuff was and she soon found herself on the surface of a chocolate river! Many sweet beasts, including malt horses, sugar bears, candy corn shrimp, and caramel caribou danced along the banks, watching her with glee. The chocolate river pleased her greatly, and she soon began swimming with the grace of a dolphin. She wished she could stay in this sweet dream forever, but then, a sight of terror caught the entirety of her dream-sight. An end to the river. A chocolate waterfall.

The little girl paddled as hard as she could to go back, towards one of the banks, where she saw Neigh riding with a vine rope, ready to toss it to her aid. Unfortunately, the horse missed, and the river completely overtook the child, and she soon found herself falling. The bottom of the waterfall zoomed at her, and for a split-second, she saw her reflection. She was not a little child; but a pretty young lady with long hair.

Angela awoke to a start. That was a very scary nightmare… Thank goodness it was just a dream. Blue and Jennifer came rushing to her, and asked her what was wrong, but she didn’t tell them. She wasn’t going to be scared by anything. Not so close to her final goal of those Sparkly Treats.

The spacecraft landed soon after, and our heroes were back on Earth. Blue suddenly started, “The last item, the Tray of Goodieness, is in a very, very dangerous place.”

“Even more dangerous than the planet Venus!” Jennifer continued after him.

“Really? I don’t wanna go, then…” Kallybo whined. He had just woken up from his uncomfortable sleep on the cold spaceship floor, and was very grumpy.

“It’s very, very scary,” Blue said. “If you don’t believe me, look over there.” Blue edged himself in a direction, apparently pointing to a big, spiky building with a lava moat and fire billowing up from several points on its roof. “That is the Republican Party’s HQ. To get the tray, we must take it from the Republicans.” Jennifer continued. “It will be very hard, and very dangerous. You will need to train, Angela, or you will not be able to defeat the Republican Leaders! When it comes to who owns that tray, they are much too powerful for anyone who is not the Baker of Destiny!”

“How long will I have to train to become that?” inquired Angela. Blue replied with a vague answer. “Many years, perhaps. It is different for each one. It took the great Betty Crocker sixty-five years! Are you absolutely sure you are up for the task?”

Wowzers! Would Angela really go through all that just for the Sparkly Treats? “I’ll do it!” She instantly answered.

But some of them were not so eager to join her. “This is stupid!” shouted Kallybo. “I just wanted to find my toy, the Ultramangler 90000! The best robot and TV show ever!” Angela rebuked him. “No, Big Fluffy Sofa is the best show! You’re dumb!” “No, your face is dumb, you, you… you GIRL!” it quickly devovled into a slap fight, but Jennifer broke it up. “Now now…” She said. “Kallybo does not have to continue this quest if he does not wish. It is his choice.” And with that, he left.

Neigh also seemed lukewarm towards the idea of training for so long. “I really need to get back home…” The horse mumbled as it trotted out of the circle.

“No, Neigh!” Angela shouted. “Aren’t you my horsie? Why are you leaving, too?”

“I had a master before you, Angela! I’m sorry but I have to find him. It is important. I will return one day, though…”

With that, the crestfallen girl continued her journey with the orbs, who did their best to console her. Some sand swept over her head as the wind blew; it was going to be very lonely without her friends being with her… “Where do I go to start my training?”

“We will show you,” Blue informed Angela. They travelled along a tortuous path in the woods until they came upon a cabin. But this was not just any old cottage–it was a giant gingerbread house! A little old lady came out to greet them.

“Why hello, there. I’m Aunt Jemima. Are you Angela?” She nodded. “Well I’ve heard that you want to train so you can become the Baker of Destiny, correct?” Another nod. “Then you’ve come to the right place. Come on in, so we can begin.”

The orbs did a shaking motion, indicating that they were trying to wave. “Farewell, Angela!” Blue yelled. “Wait,” Angela stopped suddenly. “You are not going to go with me, either?” “I am sorry,” Jennifer said. “But it turns out that we have our own cooking to do.” Blue looked at Jennifer, and continued from where she left off. “We’ve got our own bun in the oven!”

Angela was confused. Blue remembered that she was still a 4-year old. “Oh, it means that Jennifer is expecting! She is pregnant with our child.”

At the very last, this was some good news to Angela. “Okay. Well, I guess I’ll see you later. Really later. What are you going to name the baby?”

“Well,” Jennifer began. “We’ve run through a few names… I had a bit of a Japanese phase a little bit back, and thought of the name Yuu if it was a boy. But if it were a girl, well… I have no idea, actually.”

“You should name it Yuri. That’s a cool Russian name that I learned from Big Fluffy Sofa.”

The orbs waved about, indicating that they liked it. “Thank you Angela!,” said Blue. “Even if it takes you eons to become the legendary Baker of Destiny, we will not forget you.”

And with that, they were off, and it was time for Angela to train with Aunt Jemima.


15 Years Later.


It was time. The Child was ready to take up the mantle, and be born again as the Baker of Destiny. Angela Sprinkles, a tall, pretty young lady who had managed to develop both brains, brawn, and pretty digging street-smarts, was about to dive into a cauldron of marshmallow cream as part of her final test by Aunt Jemima.

The cream bubbled and steamed as she stood far above it, on a rocky outcropping Aunt J. had mysteriously fitted over her basement, empty save for the great cauldron. Fifteen years of hard learning ingrained into every single muscle of her being commanded her to take the leap, but Angela still hesitated. Her instincts roared at her to go, but her mind believed that the only thing in the cooker was hot, creamy death. She had learned, however, to disregard her second-guessing and doubts in life, and to follow her heart wherever it led her. And in this case, it led her into this vat of gooey, bubbling liquid. There was only one true obstacle left until she could make Sparkle Treats, and one thing to do in order to overcome it.

She leapt.

The goop burned as she was completely contained by it, but the pain was minimal before her absolute determination. She knew that she had passed; she truly was the Baker of Destiny. With a swipe of her hand, the goop flew up, formed into a mushy cylinder, become unbearably hot as she felt the air around it become nearly unbreathable, and at once everything settled down, as Angela had created her first giant marshmallow.

“Good job.” Aunt Jemina said no more that day. She simply handed Angela a special stirring spoon, and vanished, never to be seen until it was time to train the next Baker of Destiny. Angela took no notice of this, as she was absolutely determined on her ultimate goal. She would create the Sparkly Treats now.

The path back to civilization, though difficult even for a child with two mighty orb guardians, was nothing to the fabled Baker. Any highwayman, beast, or fiend that tried to prey on her found him or herself with a mouthful of something absurdly tasty and a will to go back home, satisfied for the whole week with their most delightful meal. No one could stand in the way of her truly awesome cooking.

Even though she was by and large the most powerful denizen of Eropia, the Republican Party HQ, looming in the distance no matter where she went, daunted her. She could not defeat all of them alone. That is why she would need to gather the old team and reunite them for one final mission– to get that Tray of Goodieness.

One quick whistle led to Neigh’s return. It was beyond gleeful to see its old master return. “It’s time?” Neigh asked. Angela gave a decisive nod. “Now we have to find the others. Do you know where Blue and Jennifer are?”

Neigh thought for a moment. It hadn’t seen those orbs in almost a decade! “I think…. they live near your old house, actually. They moved in after their kid was born.”

Her house! Angela had completely forgotten her duties as a homeowning child; to clean up after her messes and always politely ask for her meals at the cafeteria while avoiding food fights. That stuff was for kids, though; now that she was an adult, she would have to get a job, but she was already quite prepared with a most excellent skill set. She could probably land most any restaurant job on the planet, or even start her own bakery. Bah, these were thoughts for later. What she needed to be thinking about was finding her friends so she could get that tray!

Returning home had never felt better to Angela. It looked almost the same, except everyone was so much older. Mantissman was still the grocery store, and almost didn’t recognize her until she had already passed by. She made a note to say hello once she had made the treats.

Finally, Angela came up to her old house, wondering exactly where the orbs could be looking. “I guess it’s time to start knocking on doors,” she sighed. But just as she came up to the first house next to hers, the door opened for her! There was a small orb waiting past the threshold. A few awkward seconds later, it called “Mom! Dad! That girl is finally here!”

Blue and Jennifer quickly floated to her and gave her what could be construed as a hug, or at least what hug two orbs could give a person. Their pseudo-embrace lasted several moments before Angela could say anything.

“We are so glad to see you!” they told her. “Are you…. Are you actually…”

“Yes,” she answered. “I am the Baker of Destiny now. It’s me.”

“That is amazing. We were not even sure if you could handle the training.”

“It was arduous, and I almost quit many times, but I pulled through in the end. If I didn’t, we wouldn’t be able to make any Sparkly Treats!”

“We still have to obtain the Tray of Goodieness, however…” Blue pondered.

“That shouldn’t be a problem anymore. That is, if you two and Kallybo would join me. I know you have your… child, to think about, but I realized in my training that the world absolutely needs Sparkly Treats.”

“That it does,” said Jennifer. She then realized that Angela and her child had not been properly introduced yet. “Have you met Yuri? We ended up naming her that, just like you suggested. It is a beautiful name.”

“Mom!” Yuri interrupted, blushing like any orb could. “Stop! You’re embarrassing me.” Yuri was most amazed to realize that this girl, barely older than her, was the one who had actually come up with her name. That was what was almost embarassing to her, in truth.

Blue and Jennifer were most pleased at how Angela had changed, however. Although she looked unimpressive at a quick glance, an actual analysis of the way Angela carried herself suggested that she was incredibly powerful in many ways.

“So Kallybo is still the prince or whatever, right? So we can get him at the castle?” So much had changed since she left, but so much had stayed the same as well.

“Of course,” answered Neigh.”Though, he has changed quite a bit. He’s not as… vigorous as he once was, and his whining has turned into dark… poetry, for lack of a better word.” Angela wasn’t actually sure what dark poetry even meant, but she went along with it anyway.

“So let’s hurry and go,” Angela shouted as she hopped on Neigh, ready to recruit Kallybo for the final battle. Blue and Jennifer began packing their belongings, but Angela saw this and said, “There is no time. Yourselves are enough, and your stuff will be here anyway.”

“Wait!” Yuri suddenly interrupted amidst everyone else’s preparations. “I want to go, too!”

“We can’t let you,” said Jennifer. “It’s incredibly dangerous, and you still have a long life ahead of you.”

“Not to mention,” Blue continued, “it is our duty as parents to best protect our child. Who knows what the Republicans could do if we were defeated and the United States recovered from its deficit?”

“That isn’t fair! Angela was FOUR when she went on her adventure! I’m fifteen!”

“These are more dangeous times, Yuri,” Angela explained. “It was a lot simpler when I was four; I wasn’t expected to protect myself. Now, though, I am the Baker of Destiny, Kallybo is a grown prince, and your parents are far, far more powerful orbs than you. I hate to put it like this, but you’d be in the way.” Yuri had a fiercely angry look, but she complied with Angela’s wishes, and the others were able to leave.

The castle was a stone’s throw away thanks to Neigh, so they entered just a few minutes later. The palace remained almost completely unchanged, aside from the aged look that sat on the face of the President.

“So, you have returned,” he began as he gazed upon what could only be the true Baker of Destiny. “I take it that you are here to gain my son’s words to acquire the tray?”

“Not his words, exactly, but his fiery spirit and fighting abilities. Without him, we may not be able to defeat the Republicans.”

The President’s face became very solemn. “I am afraid… my son’s mighty spirit was quelled the day he turned fourteen. He locked himself up in his room, only coming out for meals and to observe how his soon-to-be-Presidently duties should be executed. Within his room, he does nothing but sigh, look out his window when it rains, and write depressing poetry. It is… painful to look at, and nothing I, or anyone else can do, has helped him overcome his condition.”

“I’ll see about that,” Angela said with determination as she marched up the stairs to Kallybo’s room. She slammed open the door, and was aghast as she saw his pale face. His room, once colorful and filled to the brim with shiny toys, was bleak and instantly gave her a feeling of deep, dark despair. So the President was not exaggerating. This could require some effort.

“What are you doing here, traitor?” the prince demanded, not even looking at his former companion. Angela was utterly baffled by this. “Traitor? Whatever do you mean?” He glared at her.  “You raised my hopes, lifted them ever higher, assured me that I would find my precious treasure… and destroyed them. You are a filthy, lying, Babylonian philistine of a harlot.”

“Why would you say such things! You’re still mad about that dumb old toy?”

Finally, he turned to her, his gaunt, pale face marred with black something, especially around his eyes, and roared. “I FOUND MY ULTRAMANGLER UNDER MY BED WITHIN AN HOUR OF RETURNING HOME!! THAT WHOLE ORDEAL WAS FOR NOTHING!!”

Angela gave a sigh. “Do you realize the real reason for your going on that adventure with me? You grew as a person, not in material possessions. The purpose of the trip was to bring out the good in you!”

“Good?” he spat. “What good could there possibly be in a spoiled brat destined to become president of the corrupt conglomerate empire that will come to rule the world? I am fated to become a tyrant, hated by all, his death wished upon by his entire domain.”

“Surely you could not say such things, Prince Kallybo! I believe…. You are under a magic spell!” Everyone gasped. “And I believe I know who cast it.” She turned to face the true traitor…. Chancellor Xintoph!

“How could you possibly know of my plans?” Xintoph was baffled by this girl’s genius.

“I learned from the best; Blue and Jennifer. I figured it out as soon as I entered the room. You are a Republican, aren’t you?”

“Hail Republican!” He shouted as he disappeared in a puff of smoke. He ran away, probably to tell the others of their inevitable arrival. That meant they only had a short time before the Republican Armies began invading. And while Xintoph was finally gone, Kallybo was still a depressing young man.

“How am I going to cure you?” Angela asked, mostly to herself. She rubbed her chin, thinking of an effective way, but nothing immediately came to mind.

“Baker,” the President began. “Why not bake?”

That was it. With her prisitne skills, she easily whipped up a delicious cake in little to no time at all, and handed it to Kallybo. “Here ya go!”

“No,” The prince refused. “I do not want any more of your vile  lies. I am no longer hungry for that which can give me no sustenance.”

“Oh, shut up!” the Baker yelled, smashing an entire slice into the Prince’s mouth. His demeanor almost instantly brightened somewhat, but it was not enough, as he was still stricken with black contempt for the universe. He needed something more. Angela then shoved the rest of the cake into his mouth, all at once! This seemed to be enough, thankfully, as she was nearly out of cake batter, to be honest, and it would have taken an hours-long quest to obtain any more of it. Not even the Baker could whip up a delicious treat in a flash without at least having the materials first, processes of actually baking be damned.

The first thing the fully-restored Prince did was kick Angela. “Thank you for bringing me out of that dark phase of my teenage years! It was so… stupid.” She replied, saying “No problem.” It was always good to help out a friend in need.

“Now, Angela, what’s say you we KICK SOME REPUBLICAN BUTT?” the Prince shouted. Apparently, there was a mighty, hot-blooded heroic spirit trapped under that thick veil of darkness. Angela and Neigh nodded, while the orbs bobbed up and down. “I wish you the best of luck, my son, and his friends.” the President said. “Your battle will not be an easy one.”

Those last words of his echoed through Angela’s mind as they approached the entrance to the Republican HQ. They stopped on a hill that looked down on the intimidating fortress, and analyzed its aspects. The lava moat was still there, but the molten aspects were replaced with… something. She could not tell what. There were actually not that many defenses that she could tell, other than some sandbags and gumball turrets placed around the outlying area. This could actually be pretty easy!

So they began their charge straight for the front gate. They were quickly stopped, however, when a gigantic metallic hand arose from the ground and grabbed the lot of them! The head of Robo-Barry Goldwater came up to greet them.

“Welcome to the Republican Party!” He gave a hearty, yet utterly sinister laugh. “Mwahahahaha!” Chancellor Xintoph joined him in watching the captured heroes. “So, Goldwater, what shall we do with these cretins?”

Goldwater “hmm”-ed for a moment, and decided quickly. “Send them down the Thick Brown River, and pick up the Ingredients when you are certain that they are gone.” Goldwater’s head then vanished from where it came from, and the hand took the gang to exactly what Goldwater described; a river thick with some sort of brown sludge, and dropped them off on a large, rickety raft.

Angela suddenly realized what the moat was now made of– Chocolate! Just in like that one dream she had, so long ago! Her body was instantly overcome with fear. There was no probable way that they could possibly escape This was the end….

That was, until a beam of light hit the ropes tying all of them down, burning them off and freeing our heroes. It was Yuri! She had completely defied everyone and went anyway. “I had to come!” Blue, while thankful, still yelled “You are going to be in so much trouble when you get home, missy!” But she wouldn’t, really. He was very glad to not have to die in such a horrible manner!

Each of the heroes jumped off of the raft, one by one. Angela was the last. She prepared to hop onto the shore, but it slipped and fell into the river, and the current was rapidly taking her towards that fated waterfall!

Just then, Neigh leapt to her aid, demanding she take its hoof. “Hurry, Angela!” Angela refused. “No! You’ll get stuck in the chocolate river yourself! I won’t let that happen! Save yourself! Get the Tray of Goodieness without me!” Neigh looked at her, and said, “Neighver.”

Neigh jumped into the water and swam underneath Angela, so that she was riding on it. It gave a buck and sent her flying onto the shore, safe and sound. “Goodbye, Angela!”

“No! Don’t leave me! Don’t give up! I’ll never give you up!” But then, she realized it was too late for her faithful steed.

“I won’t let you down,” Neigh said as she tumbled off the waterfall.

Angela ran around in a frenzy, but did not desert anyone. Everyone was crying, saying their goodbyes to this faithful horse; even Yuri, who had only known him through bedtime stories, lit a little fire to honor him by.

“It’ll be fine,” Kallybo said. But he knew he was telling a lie, even to himself. It was hurting him enough just to see the others so broken, and tears even began to run down his own cheek.

“We’d known each other for so long…” Angela sobbed. Her heart was aching. “I was too shy to say it, but I loved that horse to death. We used to play games all day until it was so dark we were nearly blind.”

Kallybo continued his efforts at calming her down, however futile they might have been. “I just want to tell you how I’m feeling. I have got to make you understand. Neigh wouldn’t want us to be sitting here crying our brains out because of it. It would want us to continue the fight. To finally beat those Republican dastards and claim the Tray of Goodieness for our own!”

These were inspirational words. Angela wiped her tears, and held back her sobbing. “You’re right. It’s my duty as the Baker of Destiny. The Sparkle Treats are to be my greatest work. I have to… for Neigh, and the whole world! Everyone needs those treats, not just us. Now the treats are worth even more, because Neigh gave up everything to make their existence possible!”

The others had stopped sobbing to listen to Angela’s speech, as well.

She continued. “This is our last opportunity to get this treasure. If we don’t defeat the Republicans this last time, we will never be able to make the Sparkly Treats. After this fatal excursion, I don’t expect all of you to go with me, and if you don’t, I am perfectly okay. But you must know that I am going to charge this hill and enter that castle, no matter what it takes. I am the Baker of Destiny, and with your help, I will make the greatest snacks in the entire universe! Now, who’s with me?”

Every single one of them cheered her on.

“For the sake of my future kingdom!” Kallybo cheered.

“For my wife and daughter!” Blue, cheered, and Jennifer complemented with “For those two dearest to me!” Yuri finished the cheer, shouting “For the greatest treats in the world!”

It was time for the final assault, and each one of them knew it. They looked up at the hill, and the Republican Party members that were guarding the entrance. It was now or never.

Angela began running once more. “FOR SPARKLY TREATS!” rang her battle cry, and the rest followed suit. “FOR SPARKLY TREATS!”

At once the castle’s gates opened, and an army of clowns juggling, rolling on balls, and riding elephants poured out of the citadel. The turrets, locked and loaded with gumballs, arched themselves to minimize gumming up their own forces and stopping the Baker’s tiny crew. Several spheres of gummy saccharine joy flew out of the cannons, and the orbs deflected them at the mass of clowns, knocking them down and trapping them under delicious colorful sticky sweetness. More gumballs were fired, and the prince managed to kick one of them back at its source, while the Baker’s mighty spoon captured several more.

Angela flung her entire arsenal of gummy traps at the charging clown army, who completely failed to even slow down the Baker’s crew and were similarly trapped as their fallen companions. Still more elephant riders poured out of the gates, hardly slowed by the gum on the ground.

Yuri, completely unproven to this type of combat, was prodigious in her methods, using her feelings of pure love to blast beams of blowing energy at the clowns, knocking them off the elephants and sending them toppling to the ground. The elephants on which they rode were frightened by the bursts and ran rampantly across the battlefield, knocking over turrets and even crashing into other elephants. Complete chaos clearly contained the entire area, and the Baker’s crew was able to use this to their advantage, as they continued to advance until they made it to the drawbridge the Republican Party HQ.

The traitorous Xintoph was waiting for them within the entrance hallway. “Welcome, fools!” he greeted, locking only the door behind him with a spell, leaving the left and right paths completely open. Kallybo immediately jumped at his former associate and attacked. The two began an intense duel, and none of the others could interfere, as they knew this was Kallybo’s and Kallybo’s alone. All they could do was go into the next room to retrieve their final prize.

The room was almost entirely empty except for the treasured tray, placed delicately in the center upon a pedestal. Angela ran for it, but the pedestal descended beneath the floor and was covered by a sliding panel. They turned to see the evil Robo Barry Goldwater once again.

“Haven’t you learned your lesson?” The mechanical fiend then laughed at the crew, and appeared out of nowhere. “No matter how hard you try, you will never acquire the Tray of Goodieness. Not even the Baker herself could defeat me, even with her largest, most delicious cake.”

“I will be the one that takes you down, Goldwater. For I am the greatest Baker of Destiny that you will ever know!”

“Enough! Though you are barely more than a child, I see that you are clearly a skilled Batter Warrior, as the Baker must be. But not even Betty Crocker herself could defeat me as I am now, though she could best my original body. I shall not play around; you must be crushed.” With that, Goldwater’s head sprung up, and back into the wall, and a gigantic robot burst through it. It was armed with several hunger-seeking cake launchers on its legs, cookie mine placing drones, and a kitten cannon. But with one wave of her mixing spoon, Angela caused a shockwave to blast across the room, turning all of these threats into delicious and harmless treats.

“You’ll have to do better than that, Goldwater, if you want to best me.”

“Ah, but I trust you enjoyed that appetizer,” began the metal once-man, “But can you handle my main course?!” The robot then split in two, dropping large green leafy vegetation from its joints. “Tell me baker, HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR VEGETABLES?!” A smaller robot made of broccoli, pea pods, and corn emerged from its opened shell, and dashed at the orbs to capture them in green cabbage nets.

This wouldn’t be too difficult. Goldwater obviously didn’t realize that, to become a Baker of Destiny, one had to go through trials consisting of all seven food groups! Vegetables were only the third hardest of them all. She grabbed a pot and filled it with boiling water. With one splash, she soaked the robot and steamed the vegetables. A quick slice, and the robot was down for the count, and made for a healthy meal. Angela yawned.

“Good going!” Jennifer and Blue shouted. “You go girl!” Yuri yelled alongside them. She was completely devestating Goldwater’s contraptions!

“This is not over yet, little girl! I will not surrender the tray, not even to the Baker of Destiny! The Sparkly Treats are for the Republican Party alone!” the head shouted. It dislodged itself from the vegetable robot and leapt right at her, hoping to take a bite out of her face with rapidly vibrating superheated chainsaw fangs. Angela… kind of just swatted it away, and that was the end of Barry Goldwater as a threat to their well-being.

“This is not over, g-g-girl…” the machine shuddered, struggling to speak. “I will r-r-r-rise again, and the world will lose Sparkly Treats to the Party… forever-er-er-er-er!!” The head then fell into silence.

“I kind of feel bad for the robot,” Yuri said. “It never knew happiness, because it was so busy being angry all the time.” Angela disagreed. “It could have shared the Tray of Goodieness, and everyone would have been happy! But you’re right. We should help it.” She kicked the robot head into a nearby ball pit, and it suddenly reactivated.

“How did you know? I love ball pits! They are so much fun!” the robot bounced up and down among the sweet-smelling plastic spheres. “I feel something weird… It’s like all of my anger is gone. You… Angela… You are a true Baker of Destiny. Thank you.”

Kallybo entered the room, having just banished Xintoph to realms unknown. “So we finally got it, huh? Makes me wish I still had my favorite toy, but I sold….. Hey!” He ran over to the ball pit and picked up Goldwater’s robot head, placing it on the tiny robot body inside the vegetable husk. “This looks just like it!”

“That’s because I am an officially-licensed Ultramanger 90000!” Kallybo was startled. “You learn something new every day.”

“Anyway,” the former presidential candidate went on, “I should probably release the lever so that the Tray of Goodieness will come back up. Then you guys can make yourselves some Sparkly Treats, I guess.

“Not just for us,” the still-knowledgeable Blue corrected, “for everyone! We are going to share these Sparkly Treats with the world.”

The pedestal finally rose, and Angela swiped the magnificent tray. She now had all of the ingredients needed to make the Sparkly Treats; the Supernice Sugar, the Atomic Sprinkles, and the Baking Soda to give the treats their perfect texture. Finally, however, the Tray would perfect every last detail of the treat, down from concentration of the most minute materials, to the texture of the frosting, to be the most delicious confection in all existence. Angela wasted no time in beginning the baking.

It took her several hours and a few thousand degrees Fahrenheit, but her first batch of Sparkly Treats came out perfectly. though each was small, every one had far, far more delectable flavor than its form with suggest, and no matter the frosting, always complemented whatever it went with. Better yet, every batch numbered nearly ten thousand treats; well worth all the effort into gathering and mixing the perfect ingredients.

“It took me all of my childhood, and then some, but it was completely worth it for these kings of sweets,” the Baker chimed. The world would heed her as she called.

“Dessert… is served!”

Beat of the Universe: Tale of a Boy


The Beat of the Universe: A Tale of a Boy

By Thedude3445

            It was Victorian Britain. A time of unrest and civil disobedience run rampant. A time where exposition was held high, and the details of the antecedent actions of this short story were explained. Really, it’s just Victorian Britain, but it’s also a dystopia. Is it that hard to understand? No. You got it? Okay. Follow along with me as I tell you this idiotic story.

There was a young farm boy. He lived on a farm, you see? He farmed many things, from animals to plants to fungi to protozoa to bacteria to archaebacteria. It seemed that he was a farmer of many things. This would later come into play in the story. Or it will come into play later in the story, I should say. Write this down. It’s important. No seriously. Get a pen out or something, and write it down. No, I don’t care where; just do it!

Anyway, he was walking along his farm one day, and he stumbled upon a rocket pod. Even though this is Victorian Britain, I guess the rocket pod came from the past or something. Okay, so it’s a far future rocket pod. Good? Good. So he opens it up, and finds an encrypted data feed that has a network of information from this vague future! What could he use this for? He could win bets, for one thing, but that’s pretty clichéd.

What he wanted to use it for was to look up records to find out who he would marry. For, you see, he wasn’t the sharpest young lad out there, and as such, he was not sublimely skilled in the aspects of courtship and speaking to the girls whose affection he desired. My main audience can probably relate. Just kidding! Really, stop taking offense. I’m serious, it was just a joke. Fine, be that way.

I will simply say that he was quite insecure with his prospects with the fairer sex. Quite a few rejections had left him cynical and nearly hopeless, until this data feed came into play! It had a vast cache of knowledge yet to happen, including his family tree for hundreds of years to come. Who was the lucky woman that would join him in marriage?

A girl by the name of… Margaret Roberts? Who? He continued to plunder through this sick loot he had discovered, and searched through a quite thorough database for who this young lass might turn out to be, and where she may be now.

The results were shocking; he would have to make some major adjustments to his lifestyle if he were to marry this woman. Fortunately for him, she didn’t much care for external factors, or else he would have been instantly ruled out. He wasn’t the most shining chap out there, if you get my gist. His most insurmountable problem would be how to reach her at all!

In a serious bout of Deus ex Machina, the recovered pod was able to teleport him to exactly the location he most desired. If this wasn’t as short a story, and I was writing for any sort of quality whatsoever, I probably would have included a more in-depth research on his destination, and some philosophical debate of the ethics of this pod and if any one person should ever be able to learn of the future. As a matter of fact, I probably should have done that, seeing as this story is going to be just shy of two pages by the time it is finished, which’ll be in not but two or three paragraphs; don’t worry your sorry little hide about having to trudge through such a horrid work of fiction. Anyway, he stepped on the warp pad on the pod, and off he went.

It was now 1951. It was still Britain, however. He looked up, shocked by the massive changes in culture in the near-century gap since his departure, but shocked just the same by the beautiful woman standing in front of him. She was obviously completely overcome with attraction for him, and this bolstered his spirits right off the bat.

“Why, hello there,” she greeted him. “Name’s Margaret. Yours?”

“Dennis.”

This was going to be an interesting marriage.

The… end?

You see….


I was trekkin’ along pretty nicely with these short stories, with the fourth and fifth partly done and the six and seventh ready to go right afterwards, but then I started a collab story with fellow MSPA IRC member WhiteKnight. This took several hours, and now we are invested in this all-new story that is much longer than originally expected. That will come out in a few days. But as for the rest of these stories that I have not finished, I will do so as quickly as I can. But the marathon was lame and failed because collab stories are just too good. So lesson: When you are trying for quantity over quality, don’t collab.

Luckily (or not) for you, you are still getting the same number of stories that you would have gotten, just at a later date than before.

The Metapolis: Part One


Part of the Short Story Writing Adventure! (please remember that this does not accurately reflect on my writing skills I am just trying to write fast :P)

Metapolis: Part 1

By Thedude3445

            This was America, and it was an America of fantasy. Long before the European Settlers arrived on the continent, there was magic. There was technology. There was civilization. It all collapsed thousands of years ago, and the ruins of the society were all but nonexistent… until now. Documents that explicitly analyzed the events of old have come up, and we have discovered a plethora of new information about the ancestors of the American Indians.

The most interesting of these stories is that of a young man named Bob Richton. Several pieces that we have uncovered chronicle the life of this interesting person, and it is a very peculiar one. We had our experts arrange the documents pertaining him into a cohesive series of prose to promote the study of this man’s journey in this pre-Columbian America.

 

Walking out of the university, Bob Richton looked out on the landscape of America. A metropolis of magic is what he saw. Manaether, the energy that flowed around all people of the continent, was so powerful that it could be harvested and implemented into Magitech. Because of this, Americans were able to become the most technologically advanced peoples in the entire world. They developed the first Manaether energy bomb before the rest of the world could wield iron tools. But they would not interfere with them. It was a solemn vow that all Americans had to take to avoid all contact with the outside world. This promise was only broken a few times that Richton knew of; the Great Pyramids first came to mind, and so did the Celtic Druids, but all others were mostly insignificant.

Richton knew that eventually, these peoples would gain the technological know-how to be able to travel to America. He could not estimate how long it would take, but when they did, he feared his kind would be unable to cope with the change and war would break out. He doubted the outside world would ever discover Manaether, but if they did, it would change everything.

That is what Richton studied about in college. He was a student of Magiphysics, but his true passion was speculative futurism. That is why he was leaving to go to the store to buy Manamaterials to write fan fiction about the outside world and the adventures he thought they would have. Their lives, made so simple by the lack of Manaether, captivated him, and drew him to the Etherpen every night to write stories upon stories. He never published these, but one day he would. One day he would.

One day, he bumped into an old man. He was obviously slightly demented, as he looked around like he could not tell that the person who bumped into him was directly in front of him. Richton gazed oddly, until the old man spoke.

“Son, you need to help me. I have lost my glasses, and I need you to help me find the key to the Vault of Anesthesia. It is very important to your safety that you do this.” This is what the old man said.

Richton could not speak, for a bunch of warbots burst out of the wall and shot the old man down. They began pursuing Richton as well. He was an able-bodied runner, but the warbots were powered by Manaether, and were extremely fast. The only choice he had was to conjure up some manaether strength to blast them into oblivion. Which he did.

What really mattered to Richton now was figuring out why these warbots attacked the old man and then him. So he went to the police office department to file a report. They seemed oddly anxious about him being in there while he was filling out the etherpaperwork, and it set him on edge. Suddenly, the police officers pulled out their magiweapons and began attacking  him. Richton threw his etherpen and killed one of them, but there were still three that were firing away. He grabbed a magiweapon off of the one officer’s dead body and blasted the remaining ones.

This was becoming a serious problem, with these people attacking him. It must have had something to do with the old man and the Vault of Anesthesia. Before he died, he said that he needed to find the key to unlock this vault so… That was what he was going to do.

Where would he look first? There was a key factory over on the north side of town, he remembered. So that is where he went. Except when he got there, it was completely destroyed! That is when he realized that the government was manipulating events. The government was evil and was trying to prevent him from fulfilling his mission. There was only one person he could trust.

He went to the metalsmith shop where Anna Shirley performed her daily job. They had a thing for many years, until it was revealed that she was the captain of the U.A.N. Ghostly Guise, a pirate airship powered by Manaether that pillaged across the entire Earth, not just America either. Their terror was known even to the outside world! That was, until Richton took town the airship with his militia of warbots. Their relationship was over, but the Earth was safe from pirates. They still kept a professional relationship in the years since, however.

“You want me to make a key that can open the Vault of Anesthesia?” She asked. Richton told her that this was true. So the two of them set off to the Vault itself, held in the capital city of America; Milwaukee!

 

This place was like Hell. Fire and Brimstone literally covered the area known as Wisconsin. Dragons were everywhere. This should have been the tip-off to Richton that the government was evil, but he figured that it was a strategic defense zone or something… Never mind that Milwaukee was located at the bottom of a valley or anything. ..

They found the Vault of Anesthesia. Anna got out her welding gear and began preparing the key while Richton kept guard in case any government officials began to attack them. They never did, however, and they entered the Vault with ease.

Something kept Richton on edge, however. It just felt unnatural for so little conflict to be happening at what should be the climax of their adventure. Something was bound to happen. The Vault was almost completely empty, except for an odd relic in the center, so he assumed this was a trap or something.

“It’s not a trap, goodness Richton!” said Anna suddenly. “You have been on edge ever since we entered! Do you even know what the Vault of Anesthesia holds?”

Richton told her that he did not know.

“This thing in the center, you see it?” She pointed to the relic. “It’s a portal.”

“To what?”

“Atlantis.”

Richton gasped. Atlantis?! That was the ancient civilization that had all but disappeared by the time theirs had begun; it was so far advanced that it was assumed they travelled off into space before sinking their own continent, which had previously connected Africa and America. If the continent still existed somehow, it could change everything about the way the worlds’ civilization progressed.

“It exists,” she told Richton. “But we, the government, cannot yet open it. That is why I summoned you.”

She pressed down on her wrist, transforming her into the crazed old man that he had seen before. Richton completely forgot that Anna was a member of the Fuchsia tribe, peoples who were able to shapeshift with their manaether abilities.

But he was curious about one thing. “Why me?”

“You have manaether powers beyond the possibilities of any other in America. You have the key that can unlock the universe.”

“But you have the key, remember?”

“Not this key.” Anna tossed the key she made to open the Vault. “The key is inside you.”

And with that, he cast a magispell upon the relic. Not one that he already knew, but an instinctual one. It opened up a pinkish vortex of swirling manaether; the portal to Atlantis. They stepped in.

 

Waiting For the Mow


First Short Story Writing Adventure story!

Waiting For the Mow

By Thedude3445

No I have not actually read Waiting For Godot, as you can tell.

Setting: A bench on a sidewalk in front of a man’s house, with comically tall grass on the lawn behind him.

Ethan is sitting on the bench, staring off into the distance. His neighbor, Ralph, walks up to him.

Ralph: Hey, Ethan, I haven’t seen you in a while!

Ethan: I know. I’ve been inside for the last couple of weeks with a really bad case of the flu. It was terrible.

Ralph: The flu? What’s that?

Ethan: Oh no, it seems that I have been sent off to an alternate universe while I was sick at home! A universe where the flu never existed and where Martians will be able to invade the Earth and not be killed off by germs!

Ralph: I was just kidding.

Ethan: Oh.

(Beat)

Ralph:  So what brings you to the outside world today, Ethan?

Ethan: Well, I called a lawn service to trim my lawn every Tuesday while I was sick, but they never showed up!

Ralph: So basically you just got ripped off?

Ethan: That’s the odd part. I never even paid them. They weren’t going to accept payment until after the job was done.

Ralph: So what does it really matter that they didn’t come?

Ethan: Umm…

Ethan turns his head and looks at the lawn. Ralph turns in response and freaks at seeing the several feet-tall grass.

Ralph: How long were you sick, again?

Ethan:  A while.

(beat)

Ethan: I really need the lawn guys to come, because I have no way to cut grass this tall!

Ralph: You could just like burn it or something.

Ethan: And then the rest of the neighborhood.

Ralph: Good point. But maybe a lawn this out-of-shape has its benefits.

Ethan: Like what?

Ralph: Well, you could finally make that live-action Pikmin adaptation that you’ve always wanted.

Ethan: You’re right. I could!

Ralph: See, a little optimism goes a long way!

Ethan: But the lawn guys are probably coming right now, oh no.

Ralph: Just call them off before they get here. It’s pretty early; they might not have even left yet.

Ethan: Ok.

Ethan grabs a cell phone out of his jacket pocket and calls the lawn service. There is no response.

Ethan: They didn’t answer.

Ralph: Call again. They will probably answer.

Ethan calls again. Still no answer.

Ethan: Where are they?

Ralph: Probably on their way. You’ll have to tell them in person.

Ethan: But they’ll charge me a fee!

Ralph: It’s either that, or say goodbye to your Bulborb Dreams.

Ethan: The fee is acceptable…

Ralph: Good. Now let’s wait for them to come.

Silence for a few moments. They look around the neighborhood and at each other at times, until they get bored.

Ethan: When are they going to get here…

Ralph: It’s only been a couple minutes since I even came over here. Be patient!

Ethan: Well, you are not helping pass the time whatsoever, Silent Sam!

Ralph: My name is Ralph.

Ethan: Is it? I didn’t actually know what it was.

Ralph: We’ve been neighbors for seven years, Ethan…

Ethan: Sorry, I’ve been sick!

Ralph: How many neighbors do you even know?

Ethan: I know Maximilian… He’s cool.

Ralph: There is no one in this neighborhood named Maximilian.

Ethan: I know… That plan wasn’t going to work anyway. Even if there was, you would have asked me questions about him, and I would not have known what to say.

Ralph: Then why did you try it in the first place, Ethan? It was a dirty trick.

Ethan: I’m sorry… You’re right.

Ethan begins to sob. Ralph hugs him.

Ralph: There there, it’s okay.

Ethan: I just want some friends…

Ralph: I’ll be your friend.

Ethan: My best friend?

Ralph: No.

Ethan: It was worth a shot.

Ralph: That it was.

They cease the embrace.

Ethan: You are right though, I am very impatient. I probably should have waited for the phone to ring more than twice when I called the lawn people.

Ralph: You mean you never actually called the lawn people.

Ethan: No… I was impatient!

(Beat)

Ralph: So they are not actually coming?!

Ethan: Oh yes, they are. They called me back the next day when they noticed the missed call. I’m impatient; not stupid!

Ralph: Okay, okay. Good. This is not all just a waste of time, then.

Ethan: And if it is?

Ralph: I dunno. Then this will be a boring waste of time?

Ethan: That’s all?

Ralph: Yeah, did you think I would freak out and do something drastic if this turned out to be a waste of time?

Ethan: Kinda…?

Ralph: Like what?

Ethan: Like… I’m not really sure. I just did. It’s more dramatic that way.

Ralph: Hmm…

Ralph ponders for a moment, in deep thought.

Ethan: What?

Ralph: Fine. If this turns out to be a waste of time… I will get an axe out and chase you around the neighborhood. All right?

Ethan: Sounds cool.

Ralph: Good.

They wait once again. Neither speaks.

Ralph: So, why are you so obsessed with Pikmin, anyway?

Ethan: Well my dad Wert was a pretty big fan when he was younger.

Ralph: So you are following in your dad’s footsteps? That’s cool.

Ethan: Yeah. It is.

Ralph: I kind of liked Pikmin back in the day. Pikmin 8: The Return of Olimar was my favorite.

Ethan: Really? The MMO aspects were good, but I didn’t think the main story was as good, at least in that one.

Ralph: Well I was never a big single player girl when I was a kid. Now that I’m a grown man, I probably would like it more. I get all the social activity I want with my kids and their friends’ parents.

Ethan: My dad never let me go outside when I was a kid, so I didn’t really socialize that much.

Ralph: Why not?

Ethan: I’m not really sure why. I was sick for one, but more likely it was because of my other dad, Andrew. Wert never wanted me to meet him for reasons I have never fully explored.

Ralph: That is simply the mystery of parents.

Ethan: Yep.

Another moment of silence.

Ethan: So… I don’t think they’re coming.

Ralph: Probably not.

Ethan: Wanna go inside and watch the game?

Ralph: It’d be more exciting than waiting for some mowing service that will never come.

Ethan: If they show up and mow my lawn… Too bad I guess. But I really don’t want to wait any longer. It’s kind of boring.

Ralph: So true.

They go inside Ethan’s house.

Curtains.

A moment after the curtains close.

Ethan: Hey! Watch where you swing that axe!

Short Story Writing Adventure Update


Tomorrow will be the Short Story Writing Adventure Marathon Day, where I write as many short stories as I can in a 24-hour period. I will post the stories here when I finish.

Homestuck Marching Band Show (UPDATE)


http://db.tt/eY4khrlE

This is a powerpoint that I have made for the concept of a Homestuck Marching Band Show! Share this with everyone! I will repost this as many times as I possibly can because this must become a reality!

I am basically reposting this.

May 29: Short Story Writing Adventure Marathon!


Mark your calendars. I am doing a challenge on Tuesday, May 29. I will be writing as many short stories as I possibly can withing a 24-hour period. I will not sleep on this day.

The rules are that every short story must be generated either from this or the TVTropes . I alreaady tested it and picked 5 different stories that I will write, but if I am able to finish all of them within this time period, I will do even more.

I will not be trying for creativity, experimentation, or quality. Quantity is the word for this Writing Adventure. I would try and like set up a charity marathon thing but meh. I will do that if I do another one.

Wish me luck! If you want to do it too, hit me up and we can collab or something for one story. I encourage all writers to do this. It probably improves your writing skills. Probably.

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