The Evolution Revolution

Archive for the category “Wert_Ac”

Jit EP

I made an album for Jit, whose solo album for Homestuck comes out today. It features three songs and two bonus songs. Maybe you want to listen to them?

It also features a little bit of Wert_Piano at the end of the second song, so I’ll tag him.

The Bulbears: Lordess to Nomad (Chapter Three)

The war raged on for a full eighteen cycles, and eventually all the Lordesses were dead. They had completely destroyed the entire Bulbear Hierarchy; all that remained was the ruins of a once-great society, and the despaired Bulbears that remained. Chaos ran rampant. M’tsarhg’i still survived, but her platoon was gone. She wanted a way to end this madness, but she felt hopeless.

It was then she had an idea. She left from the capital, which was besieged heavily and very little still stood. There was a place very far away that she had once travelled; did it hold the answers that she so desperately sought?

She entered a cave. It was dark, gloomy, moody, grim, desolate, unhappy, brazen, monstrous, and not a trace of light existed within it, except for the dim fire that lit far in the distance, many holes beneath where she stood. She made careful note not to disturb the many sleeping creatures, but there were too many. One woke up and alerted the others, and began their pursuit. They were much like Bulborbs, but they were different. More vicious. Angry. Hungry. Their children even followed them around. She knew she had to make it down as fast as she could before she became nourishment for these young ones.

Finally, she reached her destination; the Bulbax caverns. She greeted the gigantic Emperor Bulbax in the throne room in which he resided, and asked.

I am greeting you.

My home is in shambles now,

Can you help us with this?

The Emperor grunted a rejection of power. But, vehemently, she pressed on. He gave in suddenly, and promised to re-unify the Bulbears after so long in turmoil.

With a catch. The Bulbax Dynasty took over the entire M_ichgvill and rounded up the surviving male Bulbaxes, forcing them into slavery at the will of the Bulbax Queen, who could reproduce with any Bulborb species to make its vile offspring. It was unification, but not the kind that she expected. Not at all.

Upon realizing her folly, M’tsarhg’i raced back to the capital that was ransacked by the Bulbaxes. She ran, sacked the palace, and found some young Bulbears cowering in a room. She and the other survivors, all of whom were females, took these grubs and made off with them. When they were finally a safe distance away from the Bulbax Armies, they made a plan. They would take these young ones and, like the creatures M’tsarhg’i saw in the caverns, teach them how to become warriors of their own. They would wander the M_ichgvill as nomads and eventually they would gather strength. Strength enough to battle the Bulbaxes and finally re-unite their species once and for all!

The remaining females took on the titles of Lordesses, an ironic gesture at the felons that began the entire deterioration, and dispersed themselves. M’tsarhg’i took to the Gnikcuf, better known as the Perplexing Pools, where she would teach these young Bulbears what she knew, as the nomad that she now was.

The Bulbears: Lordess to Nomad (Chapter Two)

Continued from

oRen was still distraught from the Covenant-Castration between himself and his former Consort-Meister Bwo’m’n, who recently passed away. His duties as a Warrior-Champion did not falter, but his spirits were down significantly. A while after the events, he took a leave of absence for some personal time, and went to his home on the outskirts of the town. He spoke to M’tsarhgi’i for the first time since. He and Bwo’m’n separated because this girl wanted to become a warrior, and if that was what she wanted, then so be it. He would teach her what he knew.

Let us get down here,

To the business of war,

Of which you will learn.

            He turned to face the sunset overhead. It was almost hunting time. The perfect opportunity to beseech information upon his child, who was now begotten onto him. The Izan[1] were their prey, and they would hunt many of them. M’tsarhg’i spoke to him in curiosity:

Parc[2], knowledge I seek.

Teach me how to learn the hunt.

To be ready now.

This is what oRen said in response:

A novice you are.

But soon you will fight with me.

We will hunt much, girl.

And so they did. A cycle passed, and M’tsarhg’i was a finer warrior than any male except for oRen, now King, despite being the first and only female to ever walk this path. She was strong, yet her bold nature never tempered itself as she matured. Her brashness led many a suitor away, even the most likely to inherit greatness. She knew all too well the true natures of these would-be Consort-Meisters; they were Bulbears, and that meant that they were vile, and not to be trusted, as each had some sort of ulterior motive in these courtships.

Her father had a word to speak with her one day.

Can it really be?

Eight cycles I have been King.

Never a war, though.

His expression was solemn.

These four lordesses.

They fight a war over me.

They are such dumb hos.

The Lordess’s plan did succeed, but when Bwo’m’n’s territory and ex-Consort-Meister were both up for grabs at once, it caused each of the four to become greedy and try to take it all for themselves. A complete civil war broke out, with only the King’s Forces remaining neutral in the conflict. If their infighting did not stop, it would destroy the Bulbear Hierarchy in its entirety.

You must go, daughter,

Take my army and fight them,

Resolve the conflict.

She went. M’tsarhg’i’s platoon was soon pinned down near the mountains of H’semaglig[3]. Sixteen troops surrounded the location, completely overpowering her forces, even as strong as they were. The mountain’s large, crested, rocky face gleamed upon the uhm[4], the gallant taste of battle, and the chariot of water that was the experience of life. Only it could possibly give gracious suave, glittering beauty, and gloriousness to such a scene of most intense death, which loomed all over the world, which is known as M_ichgvill[5] or “Our land is my land” in the Bulbear tongue, and perpetrated great suffering in the dark hour of the abyss of this mighty war, called the Second Great War by many a soldier, these soliders being the ones who were destined for a valiant battle; eight hundred strong were M’tsarhg’i’s forces, and they were vying for a clean victory to call their own after a slosh of whippings; blood had been spewed aplenty in battles of yore.

Kms’urm’all knew this was the last time he would ever see E’rid’n. This battle was intense, and he needed to share one last moment with his comrade. They were friends for almost four cycles now, longer than he had even known that he was a Tryon[6]. Maybe E’rid’n would survive, but he just had this feeling that he himself would not, and that he would never be able to see his best Quonon[7] ever again, so he had one last conversation with him.

You are my brother,

And though I may pass on soon,

You will still be so.

E’rid’n was always interested in wooing his hopeful-Consort-Meister F’f’ri, but he knew now that his place was with Kms’urm’all, and he too would die today. Kms’urm’all’s own consort-meister P’bh’d perished in the early days of the Second Great War, and he needed someone to go to Allhalav[8] with him.

They both would indeed die that day.

[1] Izan translates loosely to “Those who have no willpower. They are referring to what we know as the Pikmin, who were almost completely defenseless at night, but it can mean any species that the Bulbears think of as weak and puny. They sometimes hunted Whiskerpillars and baby Dweevil just like this.

[2] Parc means father in the tongue of the Bulbear, but it is usually reserved only for a father figure that is very highly respected by the speaker.

[3] H’semaglig is the founding point where the L-ution Clan and the oMax Clan signed a treaty in Cycle -6, a turning point in the Great War.

[4] Uhm means the “stage upon which battles are fought”. The location of a battle is much more well-remembered than the battle itself to Bulbears.

[5] M_ichgvill, or the world, was named so by the first King, L-Tvuaim, lamenting over the tragic loss of the D_D Clan, the only one to be completely destroyed in the Great War.

[6] Tryon are Bulbears that have been known to possess a latent psychic ability. They were long outcasted by Bulbear society, but have recently come into the light as the possible future of the entire species.

[7] Quonon means brother. Bulbear siblings rarely became companions, but when they did, their relationship was more prevalent than almost anything else.

[8] Allhalav is the afterlife based upon the religious texts of the YYYin-Ghou, written by the Prophet rinouonir in Cycle 134. Approximately 16% of the Bulbear population follows these texts.


Continued here:

The Bulbears: Lordess to Nomad (Chapter One)

(Tagged Wert_Ac because I wrote this in honor of him. Also status update on the remaining Short Story Writing Adventure stories; I wrote this instead of them and now the Homestuck Re-Read is taking quite a bit of my time. I will eventually get to them, though! I can’t fall through with something this easy can I :P)

Cover by MSPA IRC member Dr. IronMonoxide! Thanks!

(Credit to fellow IRC member Dr. Monoxide for this beautiful cover)

By Thedude3445

Editing by Jacob Bartlett

This actually came as a challenge: write a ridiculous story while at Student Life Camp for four days. I pursued this challenge and hopefully succeeded in the ridiculous factor by far.

            This is the story of the Bulbear named M’tsargh’i. Born to the royal Lordess Bwo’m’n and her Consort-Meister oRen, the Warrior-Champion of Cycle 311 who was destined to become the next King despite his birth into peasantry, she was very privileged. Powerful Lordesses loathed Bwo’m’n , themselves lusting over oRen and his prowess, and petulantly promised to rid themselves of her once and for all. However, their murderous plans phased out when M’t’sarhgi was born, cementing the union between the Lordess and Warrior-Champion. They would have to find another way to lead his affections astray rather than by simply killing Bwo’m’n.

For you see, the Bublbear Hierarchy as it is known today was not fully established in its social fashions and customs, as it was long before the Bulbax Dynasty held reign over the incomparable dominion that it does now. Each species of Bulborb had its own independent form of structure, and the one unique to the Bulbear Hierarchy was that of the hunter-gatherer. The females took care of the young while the males took a nocturnal stance at predatorship, prowling the night in search of food for those back at home. Each union of a male and female of the species was highly regarded once their offspring were produced, and the bonds could then only be broken by a Covenant-Castration, which was a messy ordeal that was not fitting for a life so regal as a Bulbear’s.

There was no code of laws or set of written rituals in place in the Bulbear Hierarchy, other than the chain of command in the ranks of each of the two sexes. Males were determined entirely by their militarial stature, in a somewhat organized system from the foot-hunters to the King himself. This allowed for actual strategic input when the Bulbears clashed with the other races, as they did not have any sort of tangible military force, leading to the Bulbear Hierarchy’s spot as the most fearsome of the Genus. Females has a complex social structure riddled with deceit, lust, selfish desire, and double-sided natures. The Lordesses were the monarchial rulers of each district of territory in the land, and becoming one took excessive wit and cunning treachery. There was no order of advancement when a Lordess passed on except who was able to win her piror favor, as biological inheritance was frowned upon, so those under her constantly dueled for her affections. It was such a divisive game of fates that the sexes almost acted independently in life; their only real interactions were for the purposes of food, mating, and gaining territory, though having a prominent Consort-Meister was essential to create a desirable offspring that could carry on the Bulbear’s legacy.

Both sexes were utterly obsessed with how they would be remembered during this time. Each cycle, one warrior would be crowned champion for his superior efforts, and at the passing of the king, each surviving Warrior-Champion would battle to the ends of their existences to usurp control for themselves, and to hopefully win a Lordess as their Consort-Meister once they became one. oRen, a spectacular and amazing warrior in all respects, managed to accomplish the latter benefit without even yet becoming a king. That was simply how strong he was a Bulbear.

More powerful Consort-Meisters also meant more territory to carve out for the Lordess, and the competition between the Lordesses for territory is what led the four Lordesses oNixe, L-Mitsh, Lexicln, and urasaru to formulate their devious plot to overthrow Bwo’m’n.

Two cycles after M’tsarhg’i was conceived and thrust into the world, she was already showing the prodigious skills that were also possessed within her father. This made her a hot-tempered and fierce Bulbear, which was most unbecoming of a female of the species, and scared away many comrades of a like age. Bwo’m’n tried to the utmost extent to convert her daughter to the mindset of a future Lordess, but her intense and brash personality rejected the very notion of it. Her stays with the Lordess L-Mitsh did not help either; this Lordess knew all too well of the dilemma and actually encouraged the young girl to behave in this manner. M’tsargh’i would get in fights with Bulbear boys almost every day, and when Bwo’m’n was forced to apologize for it, L-Mitsh pretended to be enraged, knowing that Bwo’m’n was trying her hardest to help her daughter become a Lordess like her.

One day, after a particularly rough duel between M’tsarhg’i and a Bulbear girl that pushed her, Bwo’m’n became fed up with the tenacity of this girl of hers.

I have grown weary,

As your games have grown quite old,

And you still keep on.

She continued her angered rant.

I hear you say much

You want to be a fighter?

Then go and do so.

Bwo’m’n had given into M’tsarghi’i’s demands. If she wanted to become a warrior, if she wanted to go down the path of life as an unruly boy, then so be it. She led her to oRen and said:

You will keep her now,

She desires to war, fight,

I cannot love that.

This passing of a child from mother to father for keepsake was done only at the event of a Covenant-Castration, and though this was not Bwo’m’n’s intention, it meant that her union with oRen was finished. And thus the Lordesses completed their plan.

oRen rescinded his military power from Bwo’m’n’s district and took the other six children that she had birthed as well. This Covenant-Castration was so devastating to Bwo’m’n that she perished from grief not half a cycle later with no chosen heir to be her successor.

Continued here:

Waiting For the Mow

First Short Story Writing Adventure story!

Waiting For the Mow

By Thedude3445

No I have not actually read Waiting For Godot, as you can tell.

Setting: A bench on a sidewalk in front of a man’s house, with comically tall grass on the lawn behind him.

Ethan is sitting on the bench, staring off into the distance. His neighbor, Ralph, walks up to him.

Ralph: Hey, Ethan, I haven’t seen you in a while!

Ethan: I know. I’ve been inside for the last couple of weeks with a really bad case of the flu. It was terrible.

Ralph: The flu? What’s that?

Ethan: Oh no, it seems that I have been sent off to an alternate universe while I was sick at home! A universe where the flu never existed and where Martians will be able to invade the Earth and not be killed off by germs!

Ralph: I was just kidding.

Ethan: Oh.


Ralph:  So what brings you to the outside world today, Ethan?

Ethan: Well, I called a lawn service to trim my lawn every Tuesday while I was sick, but they never showed up!

Ralph: So basically you just got ripped off?

Ethan: That’s the odd part. I never even paid them. They weren’t going to accept payment until after the job was done.

Ralph: So what does it really matter that they didn’t come?

Ethan: Umm…

Ethan turns his head and looks at the lawn. Ralph turns in response and freaks at seeing the several feet-tall grass.

Ralph: How long were you sick, again?

Ethan:  A while.


Ethan: I really need the lawn guys to come, because I have no way to cut grass this tall!

Ralph: You could just like burn it or something.

Ethan: And then the rest of the neighborhood.

Ralph: Good point. But maybe a lawn this out-of-shape has its benefits.

Ethan: Like what?

Ralph: Well, you could finally make that live-action Pikmin adaptation that you’ve always wanted.

Ethan: You’re right. I could!

Ralph: See, a little optimism goes a long way!

Ethan: But the lawn guys are probably coming right now, oh no.

Ralph: Just call them off before they get here. It’s pretty early; they might not have even left yet.

Ethan: Ok.

Ethan grabs a cell phone out of his jacket pocket and calls the lawn service. There is no response.

Ethan: They didn’t answer.

Ralph: Call again. They will probably answer.

Ethan calls again. Still no answer.

Ethan: Where are they?

Ralph: Probably on their way. You’ll have to tell them in person.

Ethan: But they’ll charge me a fee!

Ralph: It’s either that, or say goodbye to your Bulborb Dreams.

Ethan: The fee is acceptable…

Ralph: Good. Now let’s wait for them to come.

Silence for a few moments. They look around the neighborhood and at each other at times, until they get bored.

Ethan: When are they going to get here…

Ralph: It’s only been a couple minutes since I even came over here. Be patient!

Ethan: Well, you are not helping pass the time whatsoever, Silent Sam!

Ralph: My name is Ralph.

Ethan: Is it? I didn’t actually know what it was.

Ralph: We’ve been neighbors for seven years, Ethan…

Ethan: Sorry, I’ve been sick!

Ralph: How many neighbors do you even know?

Ethan: I know Maximilian… He’s cool.

Ralph: There is no one in this neighborhood named Maximilian.

Ethan: I know… That plan wasn’t going to work anyway. Even if there was, you would have asked me questions about him, and I would not have known what to say.

Ralph: Then why did you try it in the first place, Ethan? It was a dirty trick.

Ethan: I’m sorry… You’re right.

Ethan begins to sob. Ralph hugs him.

Ralph: There there, it’s okay.

Ethan: I just want some friends…

Ralph: I’ll be your friend.

Ethan: My best friend?

Ralph: No.

Ethan: It was worth a shot.

Ralph: That it was.

They cease the embrace.

Ethan: You are right though, I am very impatient. I probably should have waited for the phone to ring more than twice when I called the lawn people.

Ralph: You mean you never actually called the lawn people.

Ethan: No… I was impatient!


Ralph: So they are not actually coming?!

Ethan: Oh yes, they are. They called me back the next day when they noticed the missed call. I’m impatient; not stupid!

Ralph: Okay, okay. Good. This is not all just a waste of time, then.

Ethan: And if it is?

Ralph: I dunno. Then this will be a boring waste of time?

Ethan: That’s all?

Ralph: Yeah, did you think I would freak out and do something drastic if this turned out to be a waste of time?

Ethan: Kinda…?

Ralph: Like what?

Ethan: Like… I’m not really sure. I just did. It’s more dramatic that way.

Ralph: Hmm…

Ralph ponders for a moment, in deep thought.

Ethan: What?

Ralph: Fine. If this turns out to be a waste of time… I will get an axe out and chase you around the neighborhood. All right?

Ethan: Sounds cool.

Ralph: Good.

They wait once again. Neither speaks.

Ralph: So, why are you so obsessed with Pikmin, anyway?

Ethan: Well my dad Wert was a pretty big fan when he was younger.

Ralph: So you are following in your dad’s footsteps? That’s cool.

Ethan: Yeah. It is.

Ralph: I kind of liked Pikmin back in the day. Pikmin 8: The Return of Olimar was my favorite.

Ethan: Really? The MMO aspects were good, but I didn’t think the main story was as good, at least in that one.

Ralph: Well I was never a big single player girl when I was a kid. Now that I’m a grown man, I probably would like it more. I get all the social activity I want with my kids and their friends’ parents.

Ethan: My dad never let me go outside when I was a kid, so I didn’t really socialize that much.

Ralph: Why not?

Ethan: I’m not really sure why. I was sick for one, but more likely it was because of my other dad, Andrew. Wert never wanted me to meet him for reasons I have never fully explored.

Ralph: That is simply the mystery of parents.

Ethan: Yep.

Another moment of silence.

Ethan: So… I don’t think they’re coming.

Ralph: Probably not.

Ethan: Wanna go inside and watch the game?

Ralph: It’d be more exciting than waiting for some mowing service that will never come.

Ethan: If they show up and mow my lawn… Too bad I guess. But I really don’t want to wait any longer. It’s kind of boring.

Ralph: So true.

They go inside Ethan’s house.


A moment after the curtains close.

Ethan: Hey! Watch where you swing that axe!

The Rap-Off 2

It’s my second album; a 14-track rap album. And it is amazing in the worst ways possible. Listen to it, and download it, because there are 4 bonus tracks, including an alternate mix of the ever-popular “BOHEMIAN RAP-SODY” track.

Also: Features a song written by upcoming hit artist Wert_Ac, called “EMO SANTA”, performed and produced by me.


Stay chillin’, y’all.

Homestuck Marching Band Show (UPDATE)

This is a powerpoint that I have made for the concept of a Homestuck Marching Band Show! Share this with everyone! I will repost this as many times as I possibly can because this must become a reality!

I am basically reposting this.

Godwert: A Story Of Life

This is a pretty old story about Wert_Ac, creator of Karkatyells on the MSPA IRC at :

00:06 Wert_Ac Everything only exists because I am having a very detailed post-death lucid dream.
00:06 LoLi Dude… are you PI?
00:07 Wert_Ac I’m Wert.
00:07 bewilderedShenanig >Wert: fondly regard creation
00:08 Wert_Ac “Okay you do that. This creation didn’t come out as good as you’d hoped but w’ever you’ll roll with it. Gotta live a life as some kid who’s obsessed with Pikmin and Homestuck for some reason until you die, and get to create a new one.”
00:09 LoLi >Wert: Examine surroundings.
00:09 bewilderedShenanig >Wert: Don pirate costume
00:10 Wert_Ac “You’re sitting in your room, on a futon. You’re laptop is sitting on this shitty wooden chair you got from the kitchen. Your awesome spinny chair broke yesterday and you got pissed. 9272415 children died that moment due to your anger.”
00:11 Wert_Ac “You put on the pirate costume then take it off because you’re sick of dressing up like a pirate. You already did that like 33 times.”
00:11 LoLi >Wert: Wrap yourself in blankets, and roll around like a caterpillar.
00:12 bewilderedShenanig >Wert: break shitty wooden chair
00:12 LoLi (I’m LoL’ing far too hard right now.)
00:13 Wert_Ac “You wrap yourself up in blankets. This…this is the most fun you’ve had in a very long time. Maybe you’ll come out as a butterfly!…Nope just a regular human. Damn. You could break this chair in your fit of rage! But you won’t because it is the only thing holding your laptop up. Gotta have your priorities.”
00:13 Zodroc what is even happening?
00:13 Wert_Ac [I’m god, and this is my adventure.]
00:14 LoLi (It’s the closest thing we got to RPing real life.)
00:14 bewilderedShenanig >Wert: retrieve arms from floor
00:16 Wert_Ac “You grab your WERT HAMMER that you left on the floor for some reason. This is the most powerful weapon in the universe. It looks exactly like THOR’S HAMMER but it says “Wert” on it. One swing of this, and you can destroy anything you want. Well, you could destroy anything WITHOUT it too, but its cool to have a weapon representative of yourself. Its poetic.”
00:16 *** incendiaryApparatus joined #MSPA
00:17 bewilderedShenanig (sup iA, we’re RPing. wert is god.)
00:17 Zodroc (fun fact: thor’s hammer’s name is Mjolnir
00:17 incendiaryApparatus (oh really)
00:17 incendiaryApparatus (’bout what)
00:17 LoLi >Wert: Check iGod on laptop. It seems someone is praying to you.
00:17 Wert_Ac (I know almost nothing about thor hahaha)
00:18 bewilderedShenanig (best suggestion, loli >.WERT: Be the random asshole.
00:19 LoLi (Hahahaha! xD)
00:20 Wert_Ac “It looks like…You’re being prayed it by…YOU??? Wow”
00:20 Wert_Ac PWA: Hey, dipshit, its you. from the future.
00:20 Wert_Ac CWA: Fuck, I hate time travel. What do you want?
00:20 Wert_Ac (shit that should be a F not a P)
00:21 bewilderedShenanig >Wert: Smite this heathen
00:21 LoLi (This is beautiful, is someone logging this?)
00:21 Wert_Ac FWA: I want to warn you, that in the future, you stop being god for some stupid-ass reason, and can only talk through time travel shit. So fuck. fucking. YOU!
00:22 Wert_Ac CWA: No dude, fuck YOU!
00:22 Wert_Ac “You erase future you from existance. That will probably come to bite you in the ass later, but whatever. Thats in the future. We
00:22 Wert_Ac are in the present.”
00:22 incendiaryApparatus >Wert: continue answering assholes.
00:23 Wert_Ac “Okay it looks like you’re getting a prayer from someone in a different universe. That could be interesting.”
00:23 Wert_Ac TC: So UmM mOtHeRfUcK
00:23 Wert_Ac WA: …Gamzee???
00:24 incendiaryApparatus (this convo ends with gamzee asking wert to make out)
00:24 incendiaryApparatus (i know it)
00:24 Wert_Ac TC: yEaH mY mOtHeRfUcKeR, I’M aLl Up In ThIs PrAyN sHiT
00:25 LoLi (Perhaps someone should volunteer to be whoever on the other end? Instead of making wert talk to himself? After this convo maybe.)
00:25 Wert_Ac TC: So I wAs JuSt AlL uP aNd WoNdErInG iF i CoUlD hAvE sOmEbOdY tO gEt My MoThErFuCkIn MaTeSpRiT oN wItH
00:25 Wert_Ac WA: Yeah sure, why the fuck not. Not my universe, guess I could fuck yours up a little.
00:26 bewilderedShenanig (yea i’ll give that a shot)
00:26 Wert_Ac “You then proceed to match Gamzee with Terezi. Best shipping ever done.”
00:26 bewilderedShenanig >Wert: Smite more heathens
00:27 *** Pbhead is now known as Pbhead_asleep
00:27 incendiaryApparatus >Wert: Fistbump lil cal in the corner of your office for a job well done.
00:28 Wert_Ac “Looks like Cal just did some smiting for you. Awesome. You fist bump the stupid puppet for WAIT….You don’t have a Cal puppet! Nah, its cool he can stay here all he likes.”
00:29 bewilderedShenanig >Wert: Perform miracles for your followers.
00:29 LoLi >Wert: Use your INCREDIBLE MAGIC POWERS to make people randomly feel the need to logout of irc chats.
00:29 bewilderedShenanig (not mIrAcLeS)
00:29 Zodroc (wert have you read the updates?)
00:30 Wert_Ac “You’re already constantly providing miracles and constantly making people logout of irc chats. It is sort of something you forgot how to control. It just sort of happens. Being god is a pretty thankless job. Your magic usually goes unnoticed…”
00:30 Wert_Ac (yes I’ve been reading the updates)
00:31 incendiaryApparatus >Wert: Answer another guy.
00:31 bewilderedShenanig >BS: be the other guy
00:31 LoLi (LoL! I just realized i called it ‘irc chat’. Redundant much? Anyways, I’m going to bed. G’night guys!)
00:31 Zodroc (night loli)
00:31 bewilderedShenanig night
00:31 Wert_Ac (g’night)
00:31 Wert_Ac “You answer another guy. Who could it be?”
00:31 Wert_Ac Hello?
00:31 incendiaryApparatus PP: dear god, my neighbor started laying lawn gnomes in my lawn.
00:32 incendiaryApparatus PP: can you kill my neighbor?
00:32 LoLi (… I wanna see this logged tomorrow.)
00:32 *** LoLi quit (Quit: ajax IRC Client)
00:32 Wert_Ac Kill? that sounds a LITTLE extreme.
00:32 bewilderedShenanig BS: hey a-hole this is my prayer
00:32 Wert_Ac Woah
00:32 incendiaryApparatus PP: they’re really ugly gnomes.
00:32 incendiaryApparatus PP: oh hey
00:32 Wert_Ac Yeah how…How are you both in the same prayer???
00:33 bewilderedShenanig BS: this is MY prayer, wert. tell him to go away
00:33 incendiaryApparatus PP: no dude seriously my neighbor is pretty much a complete asshole.
00:33 Wert_Ac iGod doesn’t really tell me who’s prayer it is. It just sort of starts blinking message windows at me.
00:33 bewilderedShenanig BS: Wert, forgot to capitalize. my apologies oh, great one
00:34 Wert_Ac Okay fine, I’ll kill your neighbor
00:34 Wert_Ac “kills neighbor”
00:34 incendiaryApparatus PP: ok i’ll wait here
00:34 bewilderedShenanig BS: woah hey guy, you just used my prayer to kill a guy. not cool
00:35 incendiaryApparatus PP: sorry
00:35 Wert_Ac No you can have your prayer answered too
00:35 Wert_Ac Just tell me what you want so I can fix this shit.
00:35 incendiaryApparatus [PP] stopped praying to God at 00:35.
00:35 bewilderedShenanig BS: well the president said “god bless the united states of america” at the end of a speech or something
00:36 bewilderedShenanig BS: i guess he does that alot or something, anyway…
00:38 bewilderedShenanig BS: is he just full of shit? or do you like, listen when he says that? does this anger you? will you smite him for his hubris? also what are the winning loto numbers?
00:38 bewilderedShenanig (did that last one go thru?) i DCed
00:39 Wert_Ac Woah thats a lot of questions.
00:39 bewilderedShenanig (can you guys hear me?)
00:39 bewilderedShenanig (read me*)
00:40 incendiaryApparatus (no)
00:40 incendiaryApparatus (not at all)
00:41 bewilderedShenanig BS: also, is it cool that i’m an atheist? my friend said that Wert won’t answer you’re prayers if you’re an atheist but i’m all like “fuck you i’ll do what i want”
00:41 Wert_Ac So yeah it is kind of a bullshit prayer. I mean to “bless” something doesn’t really mean anything. I mean if he said “God, fix america’s economy!” I’d probably be do’n that. But whatever I already fucked up the US enough. Maybe I’ll smite all of ’em later. The winning lot numbers are 3333333333.
00:42 Wert_Ac And yeah I don’t really give a shit if people think I’m real or not.
00:42 incendiaryApparatus (brb)
00:42 *** incendiaryApparatus quit (Quit: ajax IRC Client)
00:42 Wert_Ac I mean, I made everything with my head, so in actuality I’m not real, and neither is anybody else.
00:42 bewilderedShenanig BS: woah that’s deep
00:42 bewilderedShenanig BS: so deep
00:43 Wert_Ac I know
00:43 Wert_Ac “You smite bS accidentally”
00:44 Zodroc (oops, you just killed your only other player)
00:44 bewilderedShenanig *bewilderedShenanigan explodes into oblivion*
00:45 bewilderedShenanig Ghost of bS begins praying to you at 1:43
00:45 bewilderedShenanig GoBS: hey could you undo that real quick?
00:45 Wert_Ac “Shit you can’t believe you did that! You should probably just UNMAGICIFY yourself! Thats what you’ll do! You’ll arbitrarily reduce your magical percentage to zero! Fuck everything!”
00:45 Wert_Ac “You reduce your magic to 0 then go back to the iGod chat window.”
00:46 Wert_Ac Shit, no I guess I can’t.
00:46 Wert_Ac I kind of revoked my god powers.
00:46 Wert_Ac …That was a pretty stupid move now that I think about it!
00:46 bewilderedShenanig GoBS: well that’s cool i guess, know any cool ghost things to do?
00:46 Wert_Ac Yeah you can fly around and haunt people and shit.
00:47 Wert_Ac Go to some celebrity’s dressing room and watch them be naked.
00:47 Wert_Ac Being a ghost is actually pretty fucking badass you can do whatever you want, besides talk to the living that is.
00:47 bewilderedShenanig GoBS: but WHICH CELEBRITY?!
00:48 Wert_Ac Umm
00:48 Wert_Ac Nicolas Cage
00:48 bewilderedShenanig GoBS: SO HOT
00:48 bewilderedShenanig GoBS ceased praying to go watch nicolas cage be naked at 1:47
00:49 Wert_Ac “Awesome thats done. You probably should talk to your past self now, and warn him about the stupid thing you’re about to do.”
00:49 bewilderedShenanig >Wert: be distracted by something awesome.
00:49 Wert_Ac CWA: Hey, dipshit, its you. from the future.
00:50 Wert_Ac PWA: Fuck, I hate time travel. What do you want?
00:50 Wert_Ac CWA: I want to warn you, that in the future, you stop being god for some stupid-ass reason, and can only talk through time travel shit. So fuck. fucking. YOU!
00:51 Wert_Ac PWA: No dude, fuck YOU!
00:52 Wert_Ac “You get distracted by the amazing Pikmin statue you have erected in your room. You gaze into its eyes as it gazes back into yours. It is a being of extreme beauty and perfection. How you wish to have created yourself as one of these creatures in stead of a shitty human.””
00:52 Wert_Ac “You have been smitten by past you. You die looking at your epic pikmin statue.”
00:52 Wert_Ac (Okay thats all, I’m going to bed now.”
00:53 bewilderedShenanig wert… down?
00:55 bewilderedShenanig no wait that’s stupid. gnight
00:55 — smolio-is-dropping-laserbombs is away (Auto away)
00:55 Wert_Ac g’night
00:56 *** Wert_Ac quit (Quit: ajax IRC Client)
00:56 bewilderedShenanig is anyone left?
00:57 bewilderedShenanig i’m all alone D’:

Wert Em /bark/s

A story by Wert_Ac, creator of karkatyells and kidnapper of Andrew Hussie, from the MSPA IRC at

18:38 Wert_Ac clears his throat, and prepares to start speaking in present tense regardless of this story taking place in the past.
18:39 *** eqdw joined #MSPA
18:39 Wert_Ac I slowly open my crusty eyes on a Sunday morning, laying catatonic in my futon.
18:39 BISlover4412 eqdw wert is telling a story
18:39 Claus HI eqdw
18:39 eqdw ?
18:39 Wert_Ac The time displaying on the clock in front of me says “3:02 PM” .
18:39 BISlover4412 Listen carefully, and take some notes
18:39 Wert_Ac It occurs to me that I slept past what would be school hours if it were a week day and flop out of bed.
18:40 Poh back
18:40 Wert_Ac I wipe what I hope is an excessive amount of drool off my face, and smear it into my already stained carpet.
18:40 techloveArtist
18:40 techloveArtist
18:40 Wert_Ac The clock now read 3:05 PM.
18:40 techloveArtist ok, now you can go back to your sto- ok
18:41 Poh vriskas lacking of spiders to other pokemon ratio scares me
18:41 Wert_Ac I open some drawers and pull out some cloths. Jeans. A t-shirt that says “Normal people scare me”, and some underpants.
18:41 Wert_Ac I slip into my sunday attire and prepare to start my day.
18:41 Pbhead erudab gas 5 magicarps?
18:42 Pbhead lol
18:42 techloveArtist Poh: 1) could be according to personality 2) could be not enough spider pokemon
18:42 techloveArtist Pbhead: yup
18:42 Wert_Ac I search though my house, looking for any sign of inhabitants.
18:42 Pbhead meh
18:42 Wert_Ac It appears everyone left me behind to take care of some chore. Perhaps grocery shopping.
18:42 Wert_Ac I decide, in stead of having breakfast, I’ll go for a walk.
18:43 Pbhead Vriska would not care a shit about spiders, she would be picking things totally based on stats and munchkining.
18:43 Pbhead spiders would just be a bonus.
18:43 Wert_Ac I exist my home, locking the door behind me, and take a right up the street.
18:43 BISlover4412 wow
18:43 Wert_Ac mortMan’s house appears to be empty. I pass it and reach the dead end of the street.
18:43 BISlover4412 On the test I took today, “exist” was typoed into “exit”
18:43 Claus How do you exist an home?
18:43 BISlover4412 And now it’s the other way around
18:44 techloveArtist ^
18:44 Wert_Ac As
I usually do, I walk through the foliage at the end of the street and
cross into another. I continue forward across this slightly more active
road, and climb over a fence on the other side.
18:44 *** Syrra quit (Quit: Leaving)
18:45 Wert_Ac The fence clearly has a sign saying “no trespassing”. I do not care because I’m a rebel.
18:46 Wert_Ac The townhouses on the other side of the fence tower over me in their unmatched levels of boredom.
18:46 Wert_Ac the walk is beginning to look like a bad idea.
18:46 BISlover4412 Oh shit
18:46 BISlover4412 We got some conflict up in here
18:46 Poh damn right we do
18:46 Poh wait in werts story?
18:46 BISlover4412 ya
18:46 Poh oh
18:46 *** Katai joined #MSPA
18:47 BISlover4412 Katai wert is telling a story
18:47 Poh best story
18:47 BISlover4412 Sit, listen, take notes, etc.
18:47 Poh and have fun
18:47 Wert_Ac Several
hours go by as I wander through desert of boring, brown-painted homes.
Street after street after street, all of which given impossible to
remember names, I dig myself further and further into this maze of a
housing complex.
18:48 Wert_Ac My watch now reads 4:31 PM.
18:48 Wert_Ac i check my cell to see of mother called. The battery is dead. I have no way of calling for help, or knowing if I’m missed.
18:48 BISlover4412 Nuuuuu ;_;
18:49 Wert_Ac The marathon of all walks is taking its tole on my knee caps.
18:49 Wert_Ac I can feel cartilage crack with every couple steps.
18:49 Wert_Ac The muscles in my legs are beginning to ache.
18:50 Wert_Ac And being in the middle of a townhouse area at 4 pm on a sunday means I am completely
18:50 Wert_Ac and utterly
18:50 Wert_Ac alone.
18:50 Wert_Ac I continue on what appears to be some form of main road for what feels like an hour.
18:50 Wert_Ac My watch stopped working at 4:33 PM, giving me with no bearing of time other than the position of the sun.
18:51 Wert_Ac I reach the end of the road, and wind up in a parking lot.
18:51 Wert_Ac Bordering the car-less lot, is a playground of sorts.
18:51 Wert_Ac Two swing sets and a slide sit in filthy, litter-ridden sand.
18:52 Wert_Ac I walk over to one of the swings, and plant my bottom hard down into it to take a rest.
18:52 Wert_Ac being always suspicious, I adjust my gaze to various points in my line of vision.
18:52 BISlover4412 (This is incredibly symbolic of the US economy and its state of debt to production and export ratio)
18:53 Wert_Ac Over
to the right, I see an opening to some sort of path. It leads into a
woodland area, which apparently serves as a buffer between the
townhouses and the rest of the world.
18:53 Wert_Ac I eagerly make my way into the woods, hoping they will take me home.
18:53 Wert_Ac the area is silent.
18:54 Wert_Ac The only audible company is the sound of leaves rustling in the wind.
18:54 Wert_Ac the path winds deeper into the woods, crosses a creek via fallen tree, and ascends a steep hill.
18:54 Wert_Ac At this point, the path splits.
18:55 Wert_Ac I can either go down the other side, or continue along the hill’s ridge.
18:55 Wert_Ac I choose the latter option, and walk onward, gradually increasing in height.
18:55 Wert_Ac At the peak of this mountainous terrain, I encounter an odd clearing.
18:56 Wert_Ac trees surround a circular meadow, filled with vibrant, green grass.
18:56 Wert_Ac In the center, stands a small, dark, leafless tree.
18:56 Wert_Ac At this point, I am delirious from hunger, thirst, and exhaustion.
18:56 BISlover4412 is shivering with anticipation
18:57 Wert_Ac I instinctively wave my hand at the tree with a careful gesture, as one would to a man found lost in a desert.
18:57 Wert_Ac The tree bends to the wind, almost as if it is responding to my motion.
18:58 Wert_Ac I cautiously approach it, curious to what spiritual mysteries lie within its seemingly dead bark.
18:58 Wert_Ac “..h-..hello?” I say, feeling a little foolish.
18:59 Wert_Ac The wind quickly changes direction, allowing a warm, gentle breeze to brush my cheek.
18:59 *** Everanix joined #MSPA
18:59 *** Everanix quit (Quit: ajax IRC Client)
18:59 *** Everanix joined #MSPA
18:59 BISlover4412 hey everanix
18:59 Claus Hi bye hi
18:59 Wert_Ac i walk closer to the tree. It is now within arms reach.
18:59 BISlover4412 wert is telling a story
18:59 Everanix Hello all
18:59 Claus Hello you
18:59 Everanix OOH -sits to listen-
19:00 Wert_Ac It feels as if it is radiating a warm, comforting energy.
19:00 Wert_Ac I close my eyes and gently place my hand upon its trunk.
19:00 Wert_Ac I feel a strong gust of wind abruptly blow my hair back.
19:01 Wert_Ac I
feel the urge to keep my eyes closed through it, and manage to maintain
my calm, relaxed pose through the entirety of the gust.
19:01 Wert_Ac Upon it settling to a breeze, I open my eyes and step back.
19:01 Wert_Ac The tree has been revived. It is green, bountiful, and vibrant.
19:01 Wert_Ac a single leaf falls from the tree, pointing diagonally down the hill.
19:02 Wert_Ac I nod at the tree, understanding its clear message.
19:02 Wert_Ac “Thank you,” I say to it, smiling. I turn my back and walk in the direction of the leaf’s point.
19:02 Wert_Ac Within minutes, I find myself at my doorstep.
19:02 Wert_Ac Home.
19:02 Wert_Ac Safe.
19:02 Wert_Ac Alive.
19:02 Wert_Ac *fin*

Wert_Ac Theme Song

As a bonus to the fiction I just uploaded, Wert gets some music. Listen to it on loop while reading.


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