Originally written for a Halloween Special; now available in much-improved status here on the Backblog!
Slenderman woke to a start. What a nightmare!
It was a horrible slumber, this past night was. Dreams of dead children, bones scattered across the landscape, and the rotting carcasses on the ground, their faces withered to dust—it all felt so real. Slenderman did kidnap young children at one time, but that was in the past, and he never did anything like what was in his dream!
“Slenda, wake up,” Slenderman nudged his wife, who was still peacefully resting away. Agh, dammit. His head was pulsing violently. It was so hard to focus…
“What is it?” Slenda asked, barely conscious.
“I had the worst dream. It was… horrifying.”
“Well, it is Halloween today. Maybe it’s some sort of psychological thing.”
“Yeah, but Halloween is my FAVORITE holiday! Why would it cause me to dream such unspeakable things?!”
“Honey, you need a cup of coffee. Here, I’ll go get it for you, Slenderman. It’s time for me to get up and get Slendy ready for school anyway.”
“Thanks.” But Slenderman knew the coffee wouldn’t help. This was going to stick with him like a tentacle to a tall guy. It was so gruesome, so despicab-
He figured it out. It was a premonition! Oh no—all that stuff he saw in his dream was… really gonna happen!! His suit already on, Slenderman hopped out of bed and dashed down the stairs with extreme haste.
“Hey!” Slenda shouted as he opened the door. “Didn’t you want some coffee?”
“No time! I have to warn the President!” And with that, Slenderman was gone.
WASHINGTON DC, 10:25 AM
Slenderman ran as fast as he could in the 3 hours since he left his house in Charleston, but he had to parkour over some very heavy traffic on the way, slowing him down quite significantly. But now that he finally reached our nation’s capital, his frenzied sprint had finally caught up with him. He was exhausted. Even with the White House just in front of him, it was too much. His quest…. Was….
Slam! Slenderman passed out on the cold ground of Washington, D.C.
Where am I? Am I… asleep? Oh goodness, I’m asleep! I’m asleep! Not again!
“Do not concern yourself with having another one of those dreams, Slenderman. I will see to it that you never experience one again.”
Who are you? Why can’t I see anything?
“You are in my domain now. I can unleash whatever horrors I wish upon you. But I do not.”
I don’t understand.
“Of course you don’t, my dear Slenderman. You simply cannot fathom the true nature of your own power, much less my own, perhaps due to your… human origins.”
!!! How did you—
“Maybe you ought to see one of my faces. The one that you are able to comprehend without going mad… at least, completely mad.
And then he revealed himself. It was a grotesque and monstrous face, green with tentacles squirming all over from where his mouth should have been. His eyes could pierce souls.
“Correct, Slenderman. I am who I am. And who I am is the Lord of All Terror, of which you could not hope to understand.”
Maybe you underestimate how scary I can be.
“No, I don’t. You are certainly creepy at times, I will give you that, but if my night gaze was enough to penetrate your deepest fears, then you are surely not scary. Not even close.
Why not just kill me now, Cthulhu?
“I want to offer you a challenge, to see you suffer more and more before your final demise. If you can defeat me in the next 60 minutes after you awaken, I will leave you and the rest of your kind alone. This is something you cannot refuse, I know this.”
I will definitely not refuse it. You’re on.
“I will enjoy every moment that I can further decimate what little soul you have left, before I finally devour it. This hour shall be my most exciting in millennia.”
Slenderman woke to a start once again, this time for a much different reason. As he sprang up and hopped over the fence towards the White House, he knew that time was of the essence. He couldn’t even stop for security checks, despite the Secret Service’s shooting at him.
“Sorry! There’s no time!” he told them as he sped by. Their shouts were many, and their bullets were even more, but none came even close to hitting Slenderman.
Finally, he entered the oval office, and, panting, turned to warn President Barack Obama (or Mitt Romney, depending on who when you read this and depending on who ends up winning the election).
“President Obama [Romney]!” Slenderman began. “You need to leave, right now! Cthulhu is coming!”
But there was no response. Obama [Romney] simply stared, his eyes widening and hands twitching. When he spoke, all that came out was, “Ugthologleonekthoggguueeeee” and his body began to disentigrate. Piece by piece, the President disappeared, leaving behind only his blood, which flowed plentifully across the carpet. The desk transformed into all the souls that Slenderman had ever haunted, and engulfed the tall man completely.
His tie began to squirm around as it transformed into an infant’s head and roared. It stared straight at you, and its beady eyes reminded you of the first time you saw a dead animal, welcoming you to your new home inside its mind. How are you, by the way?
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A million ar▌ms reached out from t¡he walls of the Oval Ofƒice, grabbing each and every one of his appendages, pulling them as hard as they could in every direction. I☻÷t was more pain than Slen∩derman had fel◙t in a lon◙g long time, √and was stretching him to new levels of height.
Slenderman began to grow
on his neck. Out of the flesh on its head, a nose burst forth,
a dark olive color,
and with a putrid odor.
grew and grew, until it sprouted eyes, and a mouth, and a nose of its own and a tail to match its splendor.
There were no teeth in its mouth; those made a ring around the nose in the shape of a smiley face, winking at Slenderman in
his gross horror.
The nose exploded, sending Slenderman back in time, repeating the moments of the President’s death over and over again for the next eight minutes. Before it could drive him completely insane, our hero whipped his tentacles in a fury and defeated these cursed souls that had been attacking him.
Slenderman was barely able to break free of the cursed swarm, and now he could only watch as the White House rotted before his very visual receptors, where his eyes should have been. Mold sprang up around him almost instantly, and in the sky formed the being known none other than…. Cthulhu.
“I see your sanity is still palatable. And I am famished.”
“You won’t be getting any of this. Not today, not ever.”
Slenderman launched into the sky and swung all of his arms at the beast in rapid succession, each blow pushing the monster further towards the ground. Cthulhu shot back with his own face tentacles, grabbing our hero and bringing him in for the final feast. When all seemed lost, Slenderman executed his secret move: the EMP!
The EMP, or electromagnetic pulse, normally wouldn’t affect non-electric beings, but Cthulhu was a special case, being the Dark Lord of All That is Horrible. Slenderman took advantage of Cthulhu’s peculiar situation and blasted him with anti-electric waves, sending the beast crashing on the ground where the White House used to be.
“Ah, so you think you can stun me with a little static?” Cthulhu seemed undaunted, despite his plummet onto the ground. He stood himself back up, and flexed a hand. Chunks of ground began levitating into the air and spiraling around the dark monster, and then closed around him, creating a gigantic shield of dirt.
Slenderman pulsed and pulsed as hard as he could, but it was no use. The orb surrounding the fiend was too thick for his electric attacks to pierce. And no amount of physical force could destroy the barrier, either. As soon as he could land a strong enough punch to make a sizeable dent, Cthulhu was able to summon the dirt back and reform his sphere of invulnerability. It was useless, as long as he stayed dormant like this.
So instead of attacking, Slenderman waited. And waited. A silence resounded over this battlefield, where the White House once stood in its stately manner. A tumbleweed passed by. This standoff lasted several minutes, before Cthulhu’s shield began to crumble. He was ready to make an attack. But he wasn’t ready enough. Slenderman jumped into the sky and blasted him with an EMP using every single bit of his power. He held nothing back in this final blast, and it knocked Cthulhu completely unconscious.
Slenderman fell as well, but hit the ground running. He uppercutted his fallen foe with grace. Then came a headbutt. Then a high-kick. Then, finally, he finished Cthulhu off with another EMP blast, sending him skyrocketing into space.
It was done.
Back in Charleston, the Slender Family celebrated the victory over Cthulhu with a hearty cake. It had strawberry icing, custard filling, and just a hint of bonemeal flavoring. To top it off, there were some Reese’s peanut butter cup-flavored cupcakes along with it. All of this was served with some good old-fashioned Sweet Tea, just like his mom used to make.
“You were soooooooo cool out there, Dad!” Slendy shouted with admiration. The little kid was so proud, and Slenderman would have given his biggest grin, if it was physically possible for him to do so.
“I was just doing the right thing,” he told his child. “Maybe one day you’ll get to do something just as heroic.”
“Oh yeah, cooooool!” Slendy began jumping around, reenacting the battle at the White House with a rambunctious flair.
“Now now,” Slenda scolded, playfully. “Don’t be giving Slendy all these grandiose ideas. Slendy’s still got to go to school; no real hero would skip school, because learning is knowing, and knowing is 75% of the battle!”
Suddenly, the phone began to blare. “Honey,” Slenda told her husband. “it’s for you.”
He picked up. “Who is this?”
“This is President Biden [Ryan]. Thank you for defeating Cthulhu.”
“You’re welcome. Any time.”
“I would like to inquire you about your services on another task. It would only be for a few days, and the pay is good. You are the first person I have called about this.”
“What is it?”
“We’re not sure yet. But the project is codenamed….. Tumblr.”